{"id":12222,"date":"2012-11-23T15:04:00","date_gmt":"2012-11-23T22:04:00","guid":{"rendered":"2c5271d0-9abe-11e8-99ad-ca52c1e5b2af"},"modified":"2012-11-23T15:04:00","modified_gmt":"2012-11-23T22:04:00","slug":"patterns-of-destruction-part-3","status":"publish","type":"blog","link":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/blog\/patterns-of-destruction-part-3\/","title":{"rendered":"Patterns of Destruction, Part 3"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/p>\n

In this blog series, we are discussing four fighting patterns that are<\/p>\n

extremely destructive to relationships. If you want to read more about these<\/p>\n

patterns as well as many other marriage communication techniques, check out Fighting<\/p>\n

for Your Marriage<\/em><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Read Part 1 about Escalation<\/a><\/p>\n

and Part 2 about Invalidation<\/a>.<\/p>\n

This time we’ll discuss Negative Interpretations.<\/p>\n

Destructive Pattern #3 – Negative Interpretations\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Negative interpretations takes place when one person consistently<\/em><\/p>\n

believes that the other person\u2019s motives for doing something are more negative,<\/p>\n

hurtful or insidious than they actually are. To put it simply: You are guilty<\/p>\n

of negative interpretations if you regularly assume you know someone\u2019s motives,<\/p>\n

that he or she is out to get you.\u00a0<\/p>\n

“When relationships become more distressed, the negative<\/p>\n

interpretations mount and help create an environment of hopelessness and<\/p>\n

demoralization,” says Fighting<\/p>\n

for Your Marriage<\/em><\/a>. Many times, couples will be so distant and<\/p>\n

mistrusting of each other\u2019s motivations that hardly anything they do will be<\/p>\n

positively accepted by the other.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Here is an example:<\/p>\n

ELLEN: (frustrated<\/em>) You\u2019re<\/p>\n

dragging mud into the house again.\u00a0<\/p>\n

JOSIAH: I\u2019m sorry! I forgot to take my<\/p>\n

shoes off.\u00a0<\/p>\n

ELLEN: Yeah, again. How many times do I<\/p>\n

have to tell you to take your shoes off when you come home from work?\u00a0<\/p>\n

JOSIAH: (irritated) <\/em>I\u2019m sorry; I<\/p>\n

forgot! I didn\u2019t do it on purpose. I am so tired when I get home from work that<\/p>\n

I sometimes get distracted and forget. It\u2019s not like I do it on purpose to<\/p>\n

annoy you.\u00a0<\/p>\n

ELLEN: (bitterly) <\/em>I think that is<\/p>\n

exactly what you do! You know how much I don\u2019t like you wearing your shoes in<\/p>\n

the house, yet you do it over and over again. It is as if you keep telling me<\/p>\n

that you don\u2019t love me! It\u2019s a slap in the face every time! Why do you keep<\/p>\n

hurting me?<\/p>\n

JOSIAH: (angrily) <\/em>That is a bunch<\/p>\n

of nonsense! I am not trying to hurt you! I remember most of the time, too. You<\/p>\n

just don\u2019t remember! I forget once in a while, and you go off the wall.\u00a0<\/p>\n

ELLEN: (angrily sarcastic) <\/em>Only<\/p>\n

once in a while, huh? What a liar! And you only remember to take your shoes off<\/p>\n

when I remind you!<\/p>\n

JOSIAH: (fuming<\/em>) You know what? I<\/p>\n

don\u2019t have to take this. No matter what I say or do, you will never be<\/p>\n

happy.\u00a0<\/p>\n

The root for these kinds of arguments can be extremely difficult to find and<\/p>\n

exterminate. They might seem like a petty squabble, but it can have extreme consequences<\/p>\n

to the makeup of the relationship.\u00a0<\/p>\n

It does not matter how truthful Josiah is being about his motivations for<\/p>\n

failing to take his shoes off, Ellen is completely convinced that he is doing<\/p>\n

it to spite her. Ellen is being influenced by something called confirmation<\/p>\n

bias<\/em>. This term describes the phenomenon that someone who has an<\/p>\n

assumption about a person or a situation will look for and find evidence that his<\/p>\n

or her assumption is correct. “In other words, once formed, negative<\/p>\n

interpretations do not change easily. Even though we can be wrong in our<\/p>\n

assumptions, we tend to see what we expect to see” (Fighting for Your Marriage<\/em>). Negative interpretations can be a<\/p>\n

difficult beast to kill once it has set in.\u00a0<\/p>\n

An extremely dangerous and harmful outcome of a relationship infiltrated<\/p>\n

with negative interpretations is that people will stop noticing any good things<\/p>\n

that are happening in the relationship. The bad interpretations might<\/p>\n

completely overshadow the positive realities that could be enjoyed.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Negative interpretations will negatively impact communication. When someone<\/p>\n

believes that the other person has negative motivations toward him, there will<\/p>\n

be more justification for unkind words to be spoken. Believing negative things<\/p>\n

about your spouse has a significant impact on his or her response as well.<\/p>\n

Researchers have discovered that the partner will more likely respond in anger<\/p>\n

and frustration when the other has negative interpretations of him.<\/p>\n

How can negative interpretation be prevented?\u00a0<\/p>\n

Fighting this type of thinking is not won by simply thinking positively.<\/p>\n

These negative assumptions have deeply rooted themselves into your heart and<\/p>\n

must be intentionally dug out. These weeds must be confronted by you and you<\/p>\n

alone.\u00a0<\/p>\n

The first step is to open yourself to the possibility that you are<\/p>\n

negatively interpreting your partner’s intentions. The next step is to practice<\/p>\n

looking for evidence that will disprove your negative interpretations. If you<\/p>\n

think somebody is unloving toward you, begin to look for and respond to acts of<\/p>\n

love that he or she does show.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Negative interpretations are fed by the lie that we are able to, or have the<\/p>\n

right to mind-read the other person\u2019s motivations. First, we are not physically<\/p>\n

capable of mind-reading our spouses. We might like to think that we can know<\/p>\n

what is going on in their minds at certain times, and that might be true, but<\/p>\n

we cannot discover with certainty what someone\u2019s motivations are without asking<\/p>\n

him or her. Second, and more importantly, we do not have the right<\/em> to<\/p>\n

judge someone\u2019s motivations. In 1 Samuel 16, the Lord says that only He can see<\/p>\n

someone’s heart. If you want to hear more about this, then check out this<\/p>\n

sermon from Fellowship Bible Church in New Jersey: Taking Off<\/p>\n

Your Judge’s Robe<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n

For the record, there will be times when your spouse has negative<\/p>\n

motivations for how he or she treats you. It is in these times we must learn<\/p>\n

how to not react<\/em>, but to respond <\/em>in love as Christ would.<\/p>\n

This is against our human nature and can be difficult to do.\u00a0<\/p>\n

In conclusion, be alert for the destructive pattern of negative<\/p>\n

interpretations in your relationship. Ask God how He would have you communicate<\/p>\n

with your partner and how He would have you respond to him or her. Be watchful<\/p>\n

for the roots of negative assumptions and for their ally, confirmation<\/p>\n

bias.\u00a0<\/p>\n

To be continued…<\/p>\n

<\/body><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In this blog series, we are discussing four fighting patterns that are extremely destructive to relationships. If you want to read more about these patterns as well as many other marriage communication techniques, check out Fighting for Your Marriage. Read Part 1 about Escalation and Part 2 about Invalidation. This time we’ll discuss Negative Interpretations. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":0,"featured_media":0,"menu_order":0,"template":"","categories":[18],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12222","blog","type-blog","status-publish","hentry","category-life"],"yoast_head":"\nPatterns of Destruction, Part 3 - Boundless<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/blog\/patterns-of-destruction-part-3\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Patterns of Destruction, Part 3\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"In this blog series, we are discussing four fighting patterns that are extremely destructive to relationships. If you want to read more about these patterns as well as many other marriage communication techniques, check out Fighting for Your Marriage. 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