{"id":13429,"date":"2021-08-04T04:44:25","date_gmt":"2021-08-04T10:44:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/2c623fd8-9abe-11e8-99ad-ca52c1e5b2af"},"modified":"2024-06-21T09:54:45","modified_gmt":"2024-06-21T15:54:45","slug":"contentment-in-singleness-is-it-a-feeling","status":"publish","type":"blog","link":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/blog\/contentment-in-singleness-is-it-a-feeling\/","title":{"rendered":"Contentment in Singleness\u2014Is It a Feeling?"},"content":{"rendered":"

I can\u2019t be the only one who’s wished for a switch to turn off my emotions. I\u2019ve complained to my friends that I just want to stop feeling things, and they pat me on the back and tell me that if I did, I wouldn\u2019t be the artistic, compassionate person I am\u2026 blah, blah, blah.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t get me wrong, I love them for saying that. But it is hard to accept emotions are a good thing when you\u2019re feeling like Eeyore with his tail missing on a rainy day.<\/p>\n

In fact, emotions aren\u2019t just simply a part of my brain. Research shows<\/a> that<\/p>\n

\u201cour feelings and thoughts can help make us sick (or well) in a variety of ways that are definitely not \u2018all in our head.\u2019\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Our emotions share biochemical links with our nervous, endocrine, immune, and digestive systems. So there\u2019s a reason we feel like crap when we\u2019re sad. Cool. What does this mean? That I should always \u201cthink happy thoughts\u201d? Attempting to amputate my emotions is akin to cutting out my soul. They are as much a part of me as my arm, eyes or heart.<\/p>\n

As a single person, I’ve been caught up in a vicious cycle of negative feelings associated with singleness. It starts with loneliness. Then there’s guilt for feeling lonely, because I have many things to be thankful for and I should be able to focus on those. Then there’s a shame for not being a “good enough” Christian and struggling with these unhappy emotions in the first place (isn’t there supposed to be some “aura of contentment” that people keep insisting singles are supposed to achieve before they get married?). Then loneliness circles back around again because I have nobody to share my struggles with on an intimate level.<\/p>\n

For some reason, this idea that \u201cas soon as you stop looking, as soon as you feel happy where you are\u2014that\u2019s <\/em>when you\u2019ll find the person who\u2019s right for you\u201d has been ingrained in my generation\u2019s church culture. I think this is a damaging idea to spread, because lots of people who haven\u2019t had their lives together, who aren\u2019t completely content, have found spouses. Complete satisfaction in life is not a requirement for married people, so it shouldn’t be a requirement for singles either.<\/p>\n

Attempts at suppressing my emotions made my brain and body feel worse\u2014kind of like I got trampled by one of Tolkien’s Oliphants after experiencing a River Tam-esque brain probing, but without the cool mind-reading powers afterward. Science can explain why feelings are connected to our bodies (it has to do with peptide receptors<\/a>), but the point is that letting myself feel emotions is a crucial step to catharsis.<\/p>\n

In other words, feeling sad and lonely is okay<\/em>. (Gasp! I said it.)<\/p>\n

Trying to control how I feel just doesn\u2019t work. Trust me, I\u2019ve tried. Giving myself permission to feel emotions, on the other hand, has helped me to work through them, and my body can tell when I\u2019ve done so.<\/p>\n

God does tell us to be content (Matthew 6:25-26<\/a>), and singleness isn\u2019t exempt from that. But he doesn\u2019t tell us we have to be happy all the time. Sadness is okay. Even Jesus wept<\/a>. My sadness from loneliness is not disobedience. It\u2019s vulnerability. It\u2019s honesty. It\u2019s intimacy with my God when He shares in that experience with me.<\/p>\n

Do not ever think that God is disappointed in you because of emotions you can\u2019t control. Repeat that to yourself. Several times.<\/p>\n

The thing is, this \u201ccontentment\u201d that everyone seems to be talking about\u2026 it\u2019s not actually an emotion. Contentment doesn\u2019t eliminate your desires. In order to be content, I don\u2019t have to either a) be married, or b) zap my desire for marriage\u00a0into oblivion. Christ wasn\u2019t free from desires and he certainly wasn\u2019t free of emotions. He even asked God if there were any other way to circumvent His anticipated suffering and cried out to Him, \u201cMy God, my God, why have you forsaken me?\u201d as the suffering happened (Matthew 27:46<\/a>). Those are not the cries of a happy person.<\/p>\n

But Jesus still chose<\/em> to go to the cross, and therein lies the definition of contentment. It is a choice. It is a decision to be content with what God has given me, and to trust His purpose for my life.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t change my desire for marriage, but I can still be thankful for other things and continue to live my life for a God who loves me\u2014and perhaps those choices are much more indicative of contentment than any emotional longings.<\/p>\n

Copyright 2016 Allison Barron. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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