{"id":24807,"date":"2024-08-28T01:24:35","date_gmt":"2024-08-28T07:24:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/?post_type=blog&p=24807"},"modified":"2024-08-27T16:25:14","modified_gmt":"2024-08-27T22:25:14","slug":"lets-talk-about-feelings","status":"publish","type":"blog","link":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/blog\/lets-talk-about-feelings\/","title":{"rendered":"Let\u2019s Talk About Feelings"},"content":{"rendered":"

I hate and avoid difficult conversations. So I read \u201cDifficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most<\/a>\u201d hoping to discover a better way to handle them. I found the book frustrating \u2014 not because it\u2019s bad, but because it\u2019s so good.<\/p>\n

The advice is annoying because it\u2019s simple and straightforward. I\u2019d like to think relationships are complex and that\u2019s why they get messy. But the ground rules for relationships aren\u2019t complicated at all. We learn them in preschool, and we forget how to follow them as adults.<\/p>\n

For instance, what should you do if someone hurts your feelings? The answer is simple: Talk to them about how you\u2019re feeling. That\u2019s what my parents taught me to do. But for whatever reason, as an adult, I don\u2019t want to walk up to somebody and say, \u201cHey, you hurt my feelings.\u201d And I don\u2019t think I\u2019m the only one who has a hard time with that.<\/p>\n

Feeling angry<\/h4>\n

I internalize anger and frustration. Instead of talking about it, I abandon my anger at my expense or I abandon the relationship entirely. Either I lose self-esteem or I lose a friend because I\u2019m not willing to express my emotions.<\/p>\n

When you stop sticking up for yourself, you stop believing your feelings matter. If they stop mattering to you, then they stop mattering to everyone. So when people hurt you, you feel angry but keep it to yourself, and the cycle simply repeats.<\/p>\n

The key to ending this cycle is getting the anger off your chest but without placing blame or making another person feel guilty for it. Just admit, \u201cI feel angry, and I don\u2019t won’t to.\u201d Some people might get defensive, but I\u2019ve found that friends and family are usually sad to hear I feel angry and they\u2019ll attempt to patch things up as quickly as possible.<\/p>\n

Feeling guilty<\/h4>\n

Guilt is on the opposite side of the anger equation. When someone else is angry with me or I feel like they have good reason to be, I feel guilty.<\/p>\n

Never admit guilt. As soon as you admit guilt or wrongdoing, you\u2019re liable. <\/em>This might be good legal advice, but it\u2019s awful relationship advice. If you\u2019re feeling guilty for any reason, don\u2019t bottle it up. Otherwise, it\u2019ll eat away at you. If you\u2019re feeling guilty or you\u2019ve wronged someone, admit it and try to fix the damage that\u2019s been done.<\/p>\n

I had a pornography problem<\/a> in college, and the guilt I felt was unbearable. The breaking point was when my girlfriend told me she loved me. I couldn\u2019t stand it anymore. So I confessed my sin to my girlfriend.<\/p>\n

She gave me some great advice. She told me to apologize to everyone I felt I was hurting with this secret sin. She told me to keep talking about my guilt until there was no guilt left to talk about. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But after admitting my guilt to everyone, I was finally free from it.<\/p>\n

Admitting feelings of guilt is still hard for me, but now I know it’s better to confess it. Otherwise, it just keeps piling up and weighs me down emotionally and spiritually.<\/p>\n

Feeling depressed and lonely<\/h4>\n

Depression is the loneliest feeling in the world. Every time I’m depressed, it feels like I\u2019m the only person in the world as sad as I am. There are mornings when I don’t want to get out of bed because as soon as I do, a world of happy people is waiting for me. And I think they won’t understand what I’m going through.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s nothing wrong with feeling depressed. We live in a depressing world where heartbreaking situations happen every day. But only a few people will admit their sadness and talk about it.<\/p>\n

So the next time you feel depressed, spill the beans. Whether it’s clinical depression and you need the help of a therapist or you’re having an off day and need the shoulder of a friend, talk about your emotional lows. You\u2019d be surprised how many people have felt or do feel the same way. Even if they can\u2019t exactly relate to you, friends can at least listen and provide godly encouragement. Depression isn\u2019t a battle you have to fight alone.<\/p>\n

Sharing more of ourselves<\/h4>\n

It\u2019s not selfish to share our feelings. Whether it\u2019s guilt, depression, loneliness or anger, I\u2019m learning that talking about my emotions isn\u2019t about me; it\u2019s about relationships. It\u2019s about sharing more of myself with the people I love.<\/p>\n

Friends and family can tell when we\u2019re not talking about how we feel, and it can communicate that we don\u2019t trust them with an important part of who we are.<\/p>\n

As the authors of \u201cDifficult Conversations<\/a>\u201d put it:<\/p>\n

\u201cYou deprive your colleagues, friends, and family members of the opportunity to learn and to change in response to your feelings \u2026 By keeping your feelings out of the relationship you are keeping an important part of yourself out of the relationship.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

So let\u2019s talk about our feelings \u2014 for the sake of our relationships.<\/p>\n

Copyright 2018 Marc Aker. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

For whatever reason I don\u2019t want to tell somebody, \u201cHey, you hurt my feelings.\u201d And I don\u2019t think I\u2019m the only one who has a hard time with that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":70,"featured_media":41395,"menu_order":0,"template":"","categories":[6,10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-24807","blog","type-blog","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-life-with-others","category-personal-growth"],"yoast_head":"\nLet\u2019s Talk About Feelings - Boundless<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"For whatever reason I don\u2019t want to say, \u201cHey, you hurt my feelings.\u201d And I don\u2019t think I\u2019m the only one who has a hard time with that.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/blog\/lets-talk-about-feelings\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Let\u2019s Talk About Feelings\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"For whatever reason I don\u2019t want to tell somebody, \u201cHey, you hurt my feelings.\u201d And I don\u2019t think I\u2019m the only one who has a hard time with that.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/blog\/lets-talk-about-feelings\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Boundless\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/boundless.org\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/orkun-azap-3fNU_aaJo8E-unsplash-1-e1602272089844.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1280\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"720\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:title\" content=\"Let\u2019s Talk About Feelings\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:description\" content=\"For whatever reason I don\u2019t want to tell somebody, \u201cHey, you hurt my feelings.\u201d And I don\u2019t think I\u2019m the only one who has a hard time with that.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/orkun-azap-3fNU_aaJo8E-unsplash-1-e1602272089844.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/blog\/lets-talk-about-feelings\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/blog\/lets-talk-about-feelings\/\",\"name\":\"Let\u2019s Talk About Feelings - Boundless\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/blog\/lets-talk-about-feelings\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/blog\/lets-talk-about-feelings\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/lets-talk-about-feelings-66aa9ed832b67.webp\",\"datePublished\":\"2024-08-28T07:24:35+00:00\",\"description\":\"For whatever reason I don\u2019t want to say, \u201cHey, you hurt my feelings.\u201d And I don\u2019t think I\u2019m the only one who has a hard time with that.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/blog\/lets-talk-about-feelings\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/blog\/lets-talk-about-feelings\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/blog\/lets-talk-about-feelings\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/lets-talk-about-feelings-66aa9ed832b67.webp\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/lets-talk-about-feelings-66aa9ed832b67.webp\",\"width\":1500,\"height\":1000,\"caption\":\"a frowny face drawn on a wall - all the feelings\"},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/blog\/lets-talk-about-feelings\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Blog Posts\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/blog\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Let\u2019s Talk About Feelings\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/\",\"name\":\"Boundless\",\"description\":\"Find your place. 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