I rejected the stereotypes.<\/p>\n
The eccentric bachelor. The inflexible spinster. The selfish, longtime single \u2014 now a caricature of all his or her own worst traits. No<\/em>, I thought. If I embrace the growth opportunities God is sure to send me, I\u2019m not doomed to be that way. <\/em><\/p>\n But just after my 40th birthday, I considered marriage to a longtime friend. In a nine-month conversation spanning 1,300 miles, my affection grew. \u00a0My hope grew. But my willingness to move and change did not.<\/p>\n \u201cPsalm 45!\u201d a young woman exhorted me. \u201cLeave your father\u2019s house. Dive in to this relationship. He\u2019s a great man, great family!\u201d<\/p>\n But it wasn\u2019t so simple \u2014 not even when the marriage I longed for seemed to be within my grasp.<\/p>\n In that season of indecision, I felt<\/em> my singleness as a gift: For the first time, I have my own little home. Five young women whom I mentor are \u201cmy girls.\u201d Because I live nearby, my tiny niece and nephew have become dear friends. And I\u2019m free to live the callings I\u2019ve spent two decades discerning and developing.<\/p>\n I had lot to lose.<\/p>\n When my friend and I broke up for solid reasons, the fear crept in: Am I too selfish? Too stubborn? After all these years of hoping for marriage, is it too late for me to change?<\/em><\/p>\n Scrambling to regain perspective, I reached out to my peers. After hearing from 24 people in three countries \u2013 12 married and 12 single \u2013 I can assure you: It\u2019s not my imagination. Considering marriage past 30 is hard.<\/p>\n For me, there was the weariness of serial disappointments. And when my age and my longing for children had to be factored in, I felt intensely vulnerable.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re single past 30, you may have lost the sense of endless possibilities you had in your 20s, or the comfortable assumption that love and marriage just happen to everyone.<\/p>\n You may be mourning your dreams of family size, young parenthood, or the luxury of waiting a few years for kids. Perhaps your waning fertility (as a woman) or ability to attract a young wife (as a man) gives painful urgency to every potential relationship. If you\u2019re a single parent, you may wonder who will accept you; if you\u2019re not a single parent, you may fear marrying one. By now, you have peers with troubled or broken marriages. Your own past sins, mistakes or disappointments may complicate your responses in relationships.<\/p>\n Keith mourned that the giddy, on-top-of-the-world experience of falling in love in his 20s was not repeated when he pursued his wife at 31. For him, love after heartbreak \u201cwas more decision than happenstance, more a journey than a moment, and it was substantiated by what I was doing rather than how I was feeling.\u201d<\/p>\n Danielle has been shaped by the years when most of the world around her was found marriageable \u2013 and she was not. \u201cIt is possible,\u201d she says, \u201cto feel deeply the sting of rejection without having been overtly rejected.\u201d And when friends suggest introducing her to someone, this experience affects how she responds.<\/p>\n Danielle is also \u201cpainfully aware that the very independence and self-reliance I\u2019ve had to cultivate in order to live well in extended singleness could also make it much more difficult to adjust to marriage, should that ever occur.\u201d<\/p>\n On the path to marriage after 30, my friends have faced the loss of long-held spontaneity and autonomy: freedom to arrange their homes, to be awake early or late, to travel, rest or spend, to serve, give, or have quiet time with God without affecting or consulting a spouse.<\/p>\n In seeking a match, they have had to take into consideration fully formed theologies and convictions. Even minor habits and quirks, routines and priorities \u2014 which so far had gone unchallenged \u2014 could be part of the cost. And they found it very difficult to prioritize differently or move away altogether from callings, careers, churches, ministries, locations and friendships in which they had long and deeply invested.<\/p>\n Despite all of these challenges, several of my friends see pursuing marriage after 30 as less<\/em> complicated than before. And most, if not all, saw some real benefits. While dating, they reported more open communication, less need to impress, and fewer guessing games. Some have gained greater boldness to try new methods of meeting someone. Most are now attracted to more substantive traits in a potential spouse.<\/p>\n They\u2019ve gained more understanding of themselves and their non-negotiables, more experience with God\u2019s guidance and their own intuition, and more discernment of the difference between infatuation and a good fit. As a result, they are making decisions for, against, and about marriage with dignity and confidence.<\/p>\n For Keith, love in his 30s looked like new willingness to be vulnerable, a deep and settled care for his future wife, and a commitment to her and their relationship, no matter what. It grew with the frequent, steady counsel of a mature, unbiased older friend.<\/p>\n Charles says that when he saw Rebekah genuinely helping with his projects and challenging him toward godliness without tearing him down or conveying disrespect, \u201cI knew this was the first real woman I had met who was a serious choice for marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n Rebekah watched mini-confirmations build up, until \u201cI finally realized that the only thing keeping me from saying \u2018yes\u2019 to moving forward with Charles was fear. Without giving me that clear, specific answer I wanted, God moved me to step forward in faith and trust Him with the outcome.\u201d<\/p>\n Meanwhile, Rachel is wired to daydream about the ways singleness can express \u201cundivided devotion to God and active, involved, communal love for his people.\u201d Only after time and deliberately considering \u201cthe costs of marriage in an honoring but honest way\u201d did her daydreams crystallize into personal vocation. She embraced singleness.<\/p>\n Online<\/a> I found the story of Nancy Leigh DeMoss, who from childhood had a strong, unmistakable sense that she was set apart\u00a0for God\u2019s kingdom purposes. Having hit her stride with an international Bible ministry to women, she faced a huge shift in her lifestyle and thinking when Robert Wolgemuth invited her into a relationship. It was only after seeking Pastor John Piper\u2019s counsel that Nancy felt free to embrace singleness or <\/em>marriage: \u201cthe one you choose in love for God.\u201d<\/p>\n Over time, she became convinced that she was<\/em> to marry this man. Though Robert told her, “You must continue serving the Lord in the ways He’s gifted you,\u201d she kept wondering how<\/em> she\u2019d balance ministry and marriage. That\u2019s when her counselor challenged her, as a woman who had taken many steps of faith, to say yes to God\u2019s call here too \u2013 and watch how He would provide a way.<\/p>\n Joyfully, Nancy married for the first time at 57.<\/p>\n What could marriage look like for us in our 30s, 40s and beyond?<\/p>\n Maureen describes marriage as learning to exist in close orbit: not expecting the impossible from yourself or your spouse (giving up the essential parts of your respective selves), but learning where the fixed boundaries are and where there is room for growth.<\/p>\n Just married in their mid-30s, Mark and Lauren talked through their new living room detail by detail, wedding her colorful maximalism with his utilitarian minimalism, and creating a beautiful space that garnered compliments. Six months later, the truth came out in conversation: The space meant to help them relax together made them jointly miserable. It felt stressful to Mark, while Lauren still found it sterile.<\/p>\n But they didn\u2019t give up, and over time, \u201clarge family dinners, hang-outs with friends and cuddly evenings watching Netflix together made for happy memories that psychologically warmed up the space. It became our space together \u2013 the best of both of us.\u201d<\/p>\n When Keith started dating Kira, he had deeply invested in a job that was his mission field. Kira was enthusiastic about joining him there, but prior to marriage \u2013 without seeing the exact way forward \u2013 he came agonizingly to the point of surrender that if the two were to conflict someday, \u201cit was my wife who remained in my life, not my job.\u201d<\/p>\n Keith says, \u201cAs mature as we were, and as well as we knew ourselves, we knew to have really hard conversations.\u201d So while dating was<\/em> harder for him than for his 20-something friends, his first year of marriage was easier. And his long experience of singleness still gives him a \u201ccontinual and incredible sense of gratitude.\u201d<\/p>\n Now five years into marriage, Keith says, \u201cWe have been fused together in such a way that I could leave what I do in a heartbeat if it meant she and I could more effectively realize God\u2019s calling on our lives. It took time, but my marriage is now truly on the \u2018ground level\u2019 so to speak, with vocation an outworking of that.\u201d<\/p>\n According to my friends, the challenges of marriage are similar at any age. They only seem<\/em> greater when we\u2019re older because as we mature, we view them more realistically. We know more fully what we\u2019re giving up. We\u2019ve also gotten real about ourselves.<\/p>\n Perhaps as singles past 30 we fear the stereotypes because we understand that relationships activate all sorts of sin issues in our hearts, providing potential for us to grow. But by no means is marriage the only way God sanctifies us.<\/p>\n TJ, a bachelor, is confident that as Christ spiritually matures him over time, he\u2019ll be increasingly prepared to sacrifice for his future wife. Joy sees each of her dating relationships, whatever their outcome, as God\u2019s means of growing her into the image of Christ.<\/p>\n If the stereotypically selfish single has stiff-armed God\u2019s maturing work, then how do we embrace it? As singles past 30, how<\/em> do we position ourselves for unselfishness and unity? Here are a few ideas:<\/p>\n While preparing for a date, I scrolled to Philippians 2 and caught the glint of an unexpected opportunity: You don\u2019t have to become clones to be in close relationship<\/em>. Mutually choose the mindset Jesus had when He emptied Himself for us. (<\/em>Philippians 2:1-8<\/em><\/a>)<\/em><\/p>\n Whether sweeping sacrifice or incremental, whether the welcome loss of self-life or baby steps towards unity \u2013 for single or married, surrender is the norm for the Christian life.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s where my fear that I\u2019m too selfish is accurate. As a single woman, I am rich. I have a lot to lose. Despite my deep desire for marriage, I can\u2019t make the leap on my own.<\/p>\nThe challenges<\/h4>\n
The confidence<\/h4>\n
The hope<\/h4>\n
The how<\/h4>\n
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Kingdom life<\/h4>\n