{"id":25851,"date":"2021-08-23T04:44:18","date_gmt":"2021-08-23T10:44:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/?p=25851"},"modified":"2024-12-02T15:33:50","modified_gmt":"2024-12-02T22:33:50","slug":"love-isnt-enough-to-keep-you-together","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/love-isnt-enough-to-keep-you-together\/","title":{"rendered":"Love Isn\u2019t Enough to Keep You Together"},"content":{"rendered":"

In 1975 the musical duo Captain and Tennille recorded the song \u201cLove Will Keep Us Together.\u201d<\/p>\n

The song quickly struck a chord with listeners. It spent four weeks at #1 on Billboard\u2019s Hot 100<\/em> and went on to become the #1 song that year.<\/p>\n

But what does this song from the 1970s have to do with you and your romantic relationship today?<\/p>\n

Well, this idea that those feelings of intense romantic love that brought a couple together will keep them together long-term has pervaded our culture. Maybe you\u2019re one of those couples who\u2019s approaching the altar with the expectation that \u201cbeing in love\u201d is the foundation for a strong, healthy, until-death-do-us-part marriage.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s true that these in-love emotions are exhilarating and worth savoring. I know because I\u2019ve felt them too. But as someone who\u2019s now been married more than 16 years \u2014 and quite happily, I should note \u2014 can I get real with you? And I mean uncomfortably, in-your-business real?<\/p>\n

Captain and Tennille, along with a myriad of songs, movies, books and TV shows you\u2019ve grown up with, are wrong. While these \u201cI\u2019m in love with you\u201d feelings may have brought you together, you need more than feelings to keep you together long-term.<\/p>\n

When true love meets marital culture shock<\/h4>\n

Here\u2019s the thing: While yes, you will hopefully continue to love your spouse, those falling-in-love emotions you have right now won\u2019t remain heightened forever.<\/p>\n

Contrary to the widespread cultural belief that true love never loses its intensity, these euphoric \u201cin love\u201d feelings don\u2019t have the lifespan of the oldest living giant tortoise<\/a>. Instead, the longevity of these my-partner-is-perfect and life-couldn\u2019t-be-better emotions is closer to that of a mosquitofish. In case you\u2019re wondering, that\u2019s about two years.<\/p>\n

According to author and seasoned marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman, it\u2019s after this period that \u201cwe all descend from the clouds and plant our feet on earth again. Our eyes are open, and we see the warts of the other person.\u201d And, when we do return to earth, we experience what I call \u201cmarital culture shock.\u201d<\/p>\n

This culture shock happens when, for example, our partner insists we have the car\u2019s oil changed ourselves, or asks that we\u00a0not touch their shower towel<\/a>. Or perhaps their work schedule starts to intrude upon our expectation of respectable times to eat dinner.<\/p>\n

Worse, we discover they don\u2019t get excited about holidays as we do, and we may have very well\u00a0married the Grinch<\/a> \u2014 albeit a much more handsome version than the small-hearted, green-furred, mountain-dwelling recluse.<\/p>\n

You get the idea. When the daily grind of life takes over, when the annoying habits surface and when hardships happen, our spouse is no longer without blemish in our eyes. We may even have moments when we aren\u2019t sure if we like them, let alone love them.<\/p>\n

Now before you get depressed and become altar-shy, let me give you some very good news.<\/p>\n

All of the marital culture shock examples above are real moments my husband, Ted, and I experienced in our first few years of marriage. Yet in spite of engine oil, shower towels, dinner schedules and holiday enthusiasm or a lack thereof, we have a happy, healthy and love-filled long-term marriage \u2014 and, you can too.<\/p>\n

Why obligation isn\u2019t a dirty word<\/h4>\n

Ted likes to jokingly say it\u2019s his \u201cobligation\u201d to love me. That sounds anything but romantic, right? But, the truth is, it\u2019s actually quite romantic.<\/p>\n

Why?<\/p>\n

Because what he\u2019s really saying is, \u201cIn those moments when my feelings aren\u2019t drawing me toward Ashleigh, the covenant I made with her and the commitment I made to her is.\u201d<\/p>\n

In our marriage, we\u2019ve had beautiful, happy, very good days, weeks and months. But we\u2019ve also had our share of what a fictional boy named Alexander called \u201cterrible, no good, very bad\u201d ones too. We\u2019ve walked through seasons where our feelings no longer served to bring us together, but attempted to push us apart.<\/p>\n

Because of this, we haven\u2019t built the foundation of our marriage on how we feel about each other in any given moment. After all, \u201cthe heart is deceitful above all things\u201d (Jeremiah 17:9) and feelings are fickle. Instead, Ted and I determined early on that our mutual commitment would always trump our emotions.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s been in those difficult moments that Ted and I have clung tightly to the promise we made for better and for worse. Because ultimately it is the commitment to live out this promise \u201cto have and to hold no matter what\u201d that makes a marriage strong, healthy and enduring.<\/p>\n

And here\u2019s what\u2019s interesting: We\u2019ve found that in the rough patches, when we respond with right action even when our feelings aren\u2019t inclined to, it\u2019s often the first step to reconciliation. The funny thing is that eventually our emotions follow where we choose to lead them, and we come out of even the hardest situations with a deeper, more endearing love for one another.<\/p>\n

Three realistic expectations every marriage needs<\/h4>\n

How can you successfully navigate marriage even in those moments when you don\u2019t feel \u201cin love\u201d?<\/p>\n

Here are three expectations I encourage you to bring to your relationship. They\u2019ve helped Ted and me, and I think they\u2019ll help you too.<\/p>\n

1. You won\u2019t break if you bend<\/strong><\/p>\n

When Ted and I got married, he had a very specific way he liked his T-shirts folded. I still remember when he initially informed me of his shirt-folding preferences. I\u2019m fairly confident it was as I was mid-fold.<\/p>\n

His words did little to evoke feelings of love and appreciation toward him. Instead, they made me want to roll my eyes and throw unfolded laundry in his direction. I felt annoyance and indignation.<\/p>\n

Yet instead of expressing these negative emotions, I decided to demonstrate my love for him \u2014 even though I wasn\u2019t feeling it in the moment \u2014 by changing the direction of my fold to accommodate him.<\/p>\n

Ted and I have since faced situations that were less trivial and a lot more difficult than T-shirt folding differences. In the last several years, we walked through significant loss and had to learn to accept the individual way each of us grieves, even though we may not have understood it.<\/p>\n

You can expect that in marriage, choosing to love will sometimes require you go against your preferred ways of doing things, whether it\u2019s how a household task is accomplished or how you emotionally react to difficulty.<\/p>\n

How can you be prepared to bend?<\/p>\n

Start small. For example, choose to love your spouse when they load the dishwasher differently than you do, or when they respond to a work situation in a way that\u2019s opposite from how you would.<\/p>\n

2. Compatible couples have conflict<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cIs this the local or the express line?\u201d Ted urgently asked me. We\u2019d just boarded the subway in Manhattan, and it had been my job to decipher the map.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s the blue A line,\u201d I responded, unsure what the issue was. The two maps I\u2019d consulted hadn\u2019t noted that there was more than one A train.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou do know there\u2019s a difference between the local and the express, right?\u201d This time, his urgency was marked by clear frustration. \u201cIf this is the express, it may not include the stop we want.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUm \u2026 I read the maps,\u201d came my flustered reply.<\/p>\n

This wasn\u2019t the first time Ted and I had ridden public transportation together, but \u00a0this was the first time we\u2019d gotten into an argument while navigating it. It was a fight that continued after we got off the train, and it resulted in raised voices, tears and the desire to walk away.<\/p>\n

Maybe you have yet to face a conflict that throws you into either fight, flight or freeze mode. When those feelings of \u201cbeing in love\u201d are strong, it\u2019s hard to imagine that you will ever make each other mad or deeply hurt each other\u2019s feelings. But if it hasn\u2019t happened already, I guarantee you it will.<\/p>\n

So does conflict mean you aren\u2019t compatible? Here\u2019s a fact I want you to let sink in: Even the most compatible couples experience conflict \u2014 regularly.<\/p>\n

Each of us is an imperfect individual who\u2019s in a relationship with another imperfect individual. And where there are imperfect people in an authentic, intimate relationship with each other, there\u2019s bound to be conflict<\/a>. It\u2019s not about whether<\/em> you\u00a0will\u00a0fight as a couple, but\u00a0how<\/em>\u00a0you fight that matters.<\/p>\n

Make it your goal to work through and resolve disagreements together \u2014 hand-in-hand rather than back-to-back. You can do this by adopting an \u201cus-first\u201d approach rather than a \u201cme-first\u201d one. This means striving to understand each other\u2019s perspectives, extending grace, and holding loosely your need to be right.<\/p>\n

3. Bad habits take time to break<\/strong><\/p>\n

In the weeks that led up to our wedding, Ted excitedly informed our friends, family and anyone who would listen of his impending death. Death, that is, to his single self. He proclaimed this with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. He was genuinely excited and ready to kiss the old life and its habits goodbye \u2014 and me hello. (Yep, between proclamations of death and obligations<\/em> to love, I married me a romantic one.)<\/p>\n

What I don\u2019t think Ted anticipated, though, was that the death of old habits takes a while. Just like it takes time to form a habit, letting go of ingrained behaviors isn\u2019t a quick and easy process. It\u2019s not instantaneous; sometimes it takes years.<\/p>\n

When those annoying habits don\u2019t change immediately or in the manner we desire, we tend to embrace a \u201cGoldilocks\u201d attitude toward our spouse. No amount of \u201cin love\u201d feelings can squelch our frustration when their change isn\u2019t \u201cjust right.\u201d<\/p>\n

How can you be patient with those old habits when change is slow in coming?<\/p>\n

Take a moment to put the habit in perspective. A helpful way to do this is to think about your own bad habits. Maybe you have one or two (or ten) that bug your spouse. When you realize, Wait, I\u2019ll bet that is annoying<\/em>, it\u2019s easier to show grace and patience with each other as you both work toward change.<\/p>\n

Love+ will keep you together<\/h4>\n

I\u2019ve got to admit, when I first read the lyrics to \u201cLove Will Keep Us Together,\u201d I didn\u2019t walk away with a lot to chew on; let\u2019s just say there isn\u2019t much depth to its message.<\/p>\n

Even so, I didn\u2019t close the browser window on these lyrics empty-handed. You see, reading them brought to mind the words of another song: one that, incidentally, was played at my wedding.<\/p>\n

\u201cI will be true to the promise I have made to you and to the One who gave you to me.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

While \u201cbeing in love\u201d certainly brings us together as couples, it\u2019s this kind of true-to-our-promise love that serves as the best foundation for a strong, healthy, until-death-do-us-part marriage.<\/p>\n

\u00a0Copyright 2019\u00a0Ashleigh Slater. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If you want your marriage to go the distance, it requires a lot more than being in love. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":70,"featured_media":25854,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-25851","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marriage-prep","category-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nLove Isn\u2019t Enough to Keep You Together - Boundless<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"While \u201cbeing in love\u201d certainly brings us together as couples, it\u2019s this kind of true-to-our-promise love that serves as the best foundation for marriage.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/love-isnt-enough-to-keep-you-together\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Love Isn\u2019t Enough to Keep You Together\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"If you want your marriage to go the distance, it requires a lot more than being in love.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/love-isnt-enough-to-keep-you-together\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Boundless\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/boundless.org\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-08-23T10:44:18+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2024-12-02T22:33:50+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/justin-follis-450674-unsplash-1-e1558364769911.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1280\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"720\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"James Clapper\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:title\" content=\"Love Isn\u2019t Enough to Keep You Together\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:description\" content=\"If you want your marriage to go the distance, it requires a lot more than being in love.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/justin-follis-450674-unsplash-1-e1558364769911.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"James Clapper\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"9 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/love-isnt-enough-to-keep-you-together\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/love-isnt-enough-to-keep-you-together\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"James Clapper\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/#\/schema\/person\/fbc81930911fa40e32d938a251d32ec2\"},\"headline\":\"Love Isn\u2019t Enough to Keep You Together\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-08-23T10:44:18+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2024-12-02T22:33:50+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/love-isnt-enough-to-keep-you-together\/\"},\"wordCount\":1883,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/love-isnt-enough-to-keep-you-together\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/justin-follis-450674-unsplash-1-e1558364769911.jpg\",\"articleSection\":[\"Marriage Prep\",\"Relationships\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/love-isnt-enough-to-keep-you-together\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/love-isnt-enough-to-keep-you-together\/\",\"name\":\"Love Isn\u2019t Enough to Keep You Together - 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