{"id":2907,"date":"2023-01-27T05:00:00","date_gmt":"2023-01-27T12:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/7F18CEA4-3051-4577-A634-A9B2CAA603F1"},"modified":"2025-11-03T15:48:05","modified_gmt":"2025-11-03T22:48:05","slug":"sacred-singleness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/adulthood\/sacred-singleness\/","title":{"rendered":"Sacred Singleness"},"content":{"rendered":"

Last year I asked Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage<\/a>,<\/em> if he would ever consider writing a book for singles with a similar theme to his marriage books.<\/p>\n

As you may know, the subtitle to his bestselling book is, \u201cWhat if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if you reworded your subtitle for singles?\u201d I suggested. \u201cFor example, \u2018What if God intends singleness to make us holy more than to make us happy (or unhappy)?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t you write it?\u201d he fired back.<\/p>\n

Well, I haven\u2019t gotten around to writing the book yet, but I was recently reminded of the importance of the message when a single woman in her 30s, whom I respect and admire, told me she refrains from reading a steady diet of Christian relationship advice (like the type found on this site). \u201cI feel like it just feeds an unhealthy obsession,\u201d she told me, \u201cand makes me feel as if my life won\u2019t be worthwhile until I\u2019m married.\u201d<\/p>\n

That got me thinking about the different views of singleness out there, particularly those in evangelical Christianity. And three main views came to mind. While all of them are based on some truth, I felt as if each of them was missing the mark in some way.<\/p>\n

Three incomplete views of singleness<\/h4>\n

Singleness is a season of freedom in which you can fully pursue self-discovery and personal gratification.<\/strong><\/p>\n

This is more or less the world\u2019s view of singleness. Being young and unmarried is viewed as a desirable thing because you\u2019re not weighed down by responsibilities, such as marriage or children. You can spend your money and time in any way you please. If finances and education allow, you can travel, explore job opportunities and \u201ctest drive<\/a>\u201d different romantic partners.<\/p>\n

Even though people at your church probably wouldn\u2019t promote this version of hedonistic singleness, they may unwittingly encourage it, through the \u201cgift of singleness<\/a>\u201d logic. When I was single, married folks sometimes gushed about the exciting life I lived and all the opportunities I had. Why would I ever want to trade that for the responsibilities of marriage and children? Now that I\u2019m in a season of life where I am more tied down, I understand why my relatively free lifestyle held such appeal for them.<\/p>\n

While being unmarried without children does have certain perks, according to Scripture, self-discovery and self-gratification shouldn\u2019t be the primary focus of your single season. Paul actually spoke about the benefits of singleness in some challenging verses found in 1 Corinthians 7:<\/p>\n

\u201cI want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord\u201d (32-35<\/a>).<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Paul wasn\u2019t forbidding people from getting married or even saying that marriage wasn\u2019t a good thing (read the whole chapter for context). He was pointing out that being single allows a person to pursue the Lord with an undivided heart. That is a far cry from how men and women today are encouraged to use their singleness.<\/p>\n

Seek total contentment in Christ; don\u2019t make marriage an idol.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Patterned after Psalm 37:4<\/a>, which says, \u201cDelight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart,\u201d this view of singleness encourages you to fill yourself up with Jesus and not be concerned about getting married. You should try not to spend too much time thinking about marriage, sex or having children, lest you make marriage an idol.<\/p>\n

The problem with this view is that it is neither honest nor<\/em> realistic. God addressed man\u2019s loneliness in the Garden of Eden by giving him a wife. In fact, the God-ordained relationship of marriage displays His glory and even serves as an illustration of Christ\u2019s relationship with the church. So while Jesus can meet all your needs, you are also created for human companionship. And just because you desire to be married someday (and a majority of singles do), doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re making marriage an idol.<\/p>\n

All of us have desires: love, financial security, companionship, a family, career recognition, health, etc. Desires are not idols. But any desire can become an idol when we put it before Christ. For example, if I put my relationship with Him on the back burner while I work toward a job promotion, I would be making career advancement an idol. At the same time, a healthy desire for personal development can motivate us to be proactive, exercising the courage and boldness God gives us to pursue our callings.<\/p>\n

Marriage is a good thing God created, so seeking after it cannot be an idol.<\/strong><\/p>\n

In response to the \u201cDon\u2019t make marriage an idol\u201d view, some began defending the desire for marriage. And their defense was biblical. Consider Proverbs 18:22<\/a>, which says, \u201cHe who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.\u201d Some proponents of the \u201cGet out there and find yourself a spouse \u2014 it\u2019s biblical\u201d crowd, me included, sort of gave the whole idolatry thing a pass.<\/p>\n

The truth is that the desire for marriage, like any other desire, can<\/em> become an idol. If you fill most of your spare time reading relationship advice, bemoaning the fact that you\u2019re single, and agonizing over whether you\u2019re doing everything right, your desire for marriage might<\/em> be an idol.<\/p>\n

Without intending to, this view of singleness encourages an obsession with getting married by placing the focus on the wrong thing. Paul says a single\u2019s undivided focus should be on the Lord, not on finding a spouse.<\/p>\n

One alternative view of singleness<\/h4>\n

So what is the alternative to these three incomplete views of singleness? The alternative takes the truth from each view to create a fuller picture of God\u2019s purpose for singles.<\/p>\n

Your singleness is intentional.<\/em><\/p>\n

Let me explain. The fact that it\u2019s harder than ever before for Christian singles to get married and stay married is a result of sin and brokenness in the world. Paul says that all of creation groans as in the pain of childbirth (Romans 8:22-23<\/a>), waiting for when God will restore all things. The bottom line: We\u2019ve got problems.<\/p>\n

But if you are single today, God knows about it and it isn\u2019t a mistake. As my friend Lisa Anderson said in her book, The Dating Manifesto<\/a>,<\/em> \u201cSingleness is not a waiting room for marriage.\u201d Your singleness has a purpose. Consider the following possibilities:<\/p>\n