{"id":29550,"date":"2022-10-21T05:00:11","date_gmt":"2022-10-21T11:00:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/?p=29550"},"modified":"2022-10-12T15:15:43","modified_gmt":"2022-10-12T21:15:43","slug":"7-awkward-money-conversations-every-seriously-dating-couple-must-have","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/adulthood\/7-awkward-money-conversations-every-seriously-dating-couple-must-have\/","title":{"rendered":"7 Awkward Money Conversations Every Seriously Dating Couple Must Have"},"content":{"rendered":"<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">You\u2019ve been dating and are pretty convinced this could be <i>the one<\/i>. You get butterflies in your stomach as you think about your future together. Where will you live? What kind of family you will have? What adventures will you experience? How will you as a couple make decisions about money?<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Um, what?<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">That\u2019s right. Money.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">According to a survey by Country Financial, 26 percent of respondents said it was tough going from handling finances as a single person to handling them as a couple. Not surprising, since in all the fun and emotion of dating, money conversations often get left out. After all, money isn\u2019t the most romantic topic.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Truth be told, we didn\u2019t talk about money before we were married. We had our first \u201ca-ha\u201d moment when I (Bethany) got the mail and opened Scott\u2019s student loan bill. Even after 21 years of marriage, I remember it clearly.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201cYou have <i>how much<\/i> student loan debt?!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I\u2019ll spare you the details of the conversation that followed.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The reality, however, is that if your relationship proceeds to marriage, you will be making money decisions together every day. Decisions like:<\/span><span class=\"s1\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<ul class=\"ul1\">\n<li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s3\">Regular or premium gasoline?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s3\">Going out to eat or cooking at home?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s3\">Name brand or generic products?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li4\"><span class=\"s3\">Pay for parking or walk the extra block?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li5\"><span class=\"s3\">Extra research or just buy what is in front of you?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">But then there are the bigger money decisions \u2014 decisions that are a matter of more than just preference. They reflect your philosophy and feelings toward money. These feelings \u2014 some may even seem like convictions \u2014 run deep, personal, and can be great sources of conflict if not addressed appropriately.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Please, please, we beg you \u2014 don\u2019t be like us. Don\u2019t be like most couples. Avoid the pain and get on the transparency train!<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Will these conversations be awkward? Possibly. But trust us, having the conversations now will save you a whole lot of headache later. Here are seven big conversations to have soon if your relationship is headed toward marriage.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p6\"><span class=\"s1\">1.<\/span><span class=\"s4\">\u00a0<\/span><span class=\"s1\">A conversation on spending and saving<\/span><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p7\"><span class=\"s1\">Saving, spending, how much and when? These conversations are crucial to have \u2014 now. Don\u2019t wait. Chances are you and your beloved will have different points of view, so identifying these differences now, then labeling them and determining how you will compromise, will save you years of pain.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p7\"><span class=\"s1\">Did you know that 70 percent of all divorced couples cite money as the number one cause for calling it quits? One of the reasons is that we make money decisions each and every day. In each of these decisions, the question usually comes down to this: Am I going to save or spend the money? Based on your <a href=\"https:\/\/themoneycouple.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span class=\"s5\">money personalities<\/span><\/a>, you and your boyfriend or girlfriend may have very different answers. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p7\"><span class=\"s1\">Here are some questions to ask each other, followed by a potential compromise scenario:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul class=\"ul1\">\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">What percentage of our pay will we allocate for an emergency fund?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">What percentage of our pay will we allocate for our future (retirement)?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Will we have \u201chis\u201d and \u201cher\u201d spending money?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">What is the dollar amount of a purchase that needs to be OK\u2019d by each other?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">What dollar amount should be allocated to our weekly date night?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">What splurges or spends \u201cmust\u201d you have?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">What do you hate to see money \u201cwasted\u201d on?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">How many vacations do you want to take in a year? Are they to see family, or for rest and fun?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p class=\"p7\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Compromise scenario: <\/span><\/strong><span class=\"s1\">You like your fancy, expensive coffee, but he thinks that is a waste of money and wants you to brew it at home. Is there a \u201cright\u201d or \u201cwrong\u201d answer here? Not necessarily. A compromise approach looks something like this: \u201cI will get my fancy coffee three days a week instead of seven, and you don\u2019t guilt me about it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p8\"><span class=\"s1\">2.<\/span> <span class=\"s1\">A conversation on debt<\/span><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p7\"><span class=\"s1\">Some people are mortgage-only, some are OK with credit cards, some are happy to chip away at school debt and\/or defer saving for retirement. Be sure to understand each other\u2019s point of view. Communicate openly and honestly. Compromise is key. Suggested questions and a compromise scenario:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul class=\"ul1\">\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">What debt do we both have right now?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">How do you feel about debt?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">What scares you about debt?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Is having a mortgage OK with you?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Is there an amount of debt you are comfortable with? What type: School? Consumer? All of the above?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Are you OK with credit cards?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p class=\"p7\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Compromise scenario: <\/span><\/strong><span class=\"s1\">You are OK with $5000 of credit card debt, but she thinks paying interest is a waste of money and that a balance-free credit card is the only way to go. A compromise approach looks something like this: \u201cIf we have a balance on our credit card for more than four months, then we will each cut back on our expenses in order to pay it off.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p8\"><span class=\"s1\">3.<\/span> <span class=\"s1\">A conversation on giving<\/span><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p7\"><span class=\"s1\">Believe it or not, money arguments over giving happen. Even generosity can generate conflict! We recently counseled a couple where she wants to give 10 percent of their gross income to their church, and he wants to give 20 percent. Rather than waiting for the \u201cgiving conversation\u201d in marriage, why not have it now and get your relationship off to a great start? Suggested questions and a compromise scenario:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul class=\"ul1\">\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">What does the Bible say about giving?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">What percent of our income will we give to our church?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">What percent of our income will we give to charitable organizations?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Will we give even when we\u2019re struggling financially? What constitutes \u201cstruggling\u201d?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Who do you feel is important to give gifts to, and when? What about financial assistance to friends and family?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p class=\"p7\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Compromise scenario: <\/span><\/strong><span class=\"s1\">You have three charities that you want to donate to, and she has three as well. You don\u2019t like one of her charities because you used to work there, and you don\u2019t feel comfortable contributing to its cause. A compromise approach looks something like this: You agree to give to her charity for a year, but then you scale back 20 percent each year.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p8\"><span class=\"s1\">4. A conversation on income<\/span><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p7\"><span class=\"s1\">Do you want to wake up one day resenting the amount of money your spouse brings home? We have talked to many spouses who feel this way. They try hinting, nagging, and suggesting job changes that need to be considered or ways to bring home more income. It usually backfires. Trying to show or tell your spouse how to make more money is like saying, \u201cYou\u2019re not capable.\u201d<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Tension and resentment start to build. To avoid this in your future marriage, be sure to be open, honest and straightforward about how much income and what kind of lifestyle you expect. Suggested questions and a compromise scenario:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul class=\"ul1\">\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">What income range is comfortable for you?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Will we both work?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Who will take care of our children?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Will we both work after our children have left the home?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Is ambition important to you? What about monetary success?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p class=\"p7\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Compromise scenario: <\/span><\/strong><span class=\"s1\">You don\u2019t want someone else raising your children, so you want to be a stay-at-home mom. He doesn\u2019t see how you as a family will be able to afford it. A compromise approach looks something like this: Start your marriage by living on one income; save the second income. Before you have children, save enough money so you won\u2019t have to work. Commit to implementing a budget and stick to it.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p8\"><span class=\"s1\">5. <\/span><span class=\"s1\">A conversation on financial management<\/span><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p7\"><span class=\"s1\">Should we get help, or should we take care of our finances ourselves? There is no right or wrong answer; it comes down to preferences. You don\u2019t want to be caught off guard on this one. Usually there is one person in the relationship who feels more financially astute, but maybe one of you thinks it is best to get an advisor. Maybe one of you feels \u201clost\u201d in planning for your future, but the other wants a clear roadmap. Maybe one likes to manage money and the other just doesn\u2019t want to deal with it. Here are some questions to ask each other and a suggested compromise scenario:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul class=\"ul1\">\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Who will pay the bills and track our finances?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Will we use a financial advisor?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Will everything be in the same \u201cpot\u201d or will we have \u201chis\u201d and \u201chers\u201d spending money?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">How often will we review our finances?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Will we invest, and at what risk level?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p class=\"p7\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>Compromise Scenario:<\/b>\u00a0 You like to manage money and she doesn\u2019t. You\u2019re nervous that you\u2019re going to be stuck with all the financial planning decisions and you don\u2019t want that sole responsibility. A compromise approach looks something like this: \u201cI will take care of the bills each month, but you will sit down with me once a quarter to go over our income and expenses. We will get a financial advisor to help us with our retirement, insurance, taxes and estate planning.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p8\"><span class=\"s1\">6.<\/span> <span class=\"s1\">A conversation on where our money will go when we die<\/span><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p7\"><span class=\"s1\">No dating conversation starts with, \u201cLet\u2019s talk about death.\u201d The subject makes most of us feel fidgety, uneasy and a little depressed. But the reality is that you and your future spouse will eventually die. If you talk about it now before you are married, then regularly while you\u2019re married, you will be shocked at how comfortable you get with the subject as the\u00a0years go on. Some questions and a suggested compromise scenario:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul class=\"ul1\">\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Where will we keep our important papers and account passwords?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Will our money go to our children, charities, other?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">How much will we give to children and grandchildren?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">How will we determine who will inherit our property, businesses, etc.?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Will we invest in long-term care insurance or rely on savings and\/or our children to eventually take care of us?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p class=\"p7\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>Compromise Scenario:<\/b> You think all of your inheritance should be given to your children; he thinks all should go to charity. A compromise approach looks something like this: 50 percent will be gifted to your children and 50 percent to charity.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p8\"><span class=\"s1\">7.<\/span> <span class=\"s1\">A conversation on blended family finances<\/span><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p7\"><span class=\"s1\">Here\u2019s a \u201cbonus\u201d conversation that won\u2019t apply to everyone but is necessary to have if one or both of you have been married before. Blended families can bring immense financial challenges, especially if your families come from different income brackets, are used to handling money differently, or have different spending patterns. You are used to making all of the decisions; that will change. As you probably know, good, thorough and open communication is one of the keys to a successful blended family. Here are some questions to ask each other and a suggested compromise scenario:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul class=\"ul1\">\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">How much and how often do you pay alimony? Child support?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">How is your money relationship with your ex?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">How do you handle money conflicts with him\/her?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Who pays for what when it comes to the kids?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">Do you give or loan money to adult children?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">How much will you give to the children for college?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li7\"><span class=\"s1\">What will our house financial rules be? How will we handle allowances, chores, phone plans, summer jobs, etc.?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p class=\"p7\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>Compromise Scenario:<\/b> You think all kids should have a job; he thinks their focus should be on grades. Agree that you will discuss each child and what is best for him\/her. One of your children gets good grades and is involved with sports; working could indeed hinder that. At the same time, you may have another child who is an average student and has much more free time. Learning more responsibility would be in their best interest.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p7\"><span class=\"s1\">Remember: Money itself is not the root of all evil, but Satan finds cash a handy tool to divide husband and wife. Start these money conversations now <i>before <\/i>marriage to ensure that your differences won\u2019t get in the way of a great, God-honoring future together.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">Copyright 2020 <span class=\"s1\">Scott and Bethany Palmer. All rights reserved.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you want your dating relationship to get awkward, talk about money. If you want it to get really awkward, dig into these must-discuss money topics before you get married (just not too soon).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":70,"featured_media":29551,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,9,5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-29550","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adulthood","category-career-finances","category-dating"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v26.8 (Yoast SEO v26.8) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>7 Awkward Money Conversations Every Seriously Dating Couple Must Have - Boundless<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"If you want your relationship to get awkward, talk about money. 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