Her expression was brave, but I could see the threat of tears.<\/p>\n
You see, I\u2019d hit a new low.<\/p>\n
Here I was, standing in the card aisle at our local grocery store, verbally letting loose my frustration at her. And it was all based on what I\u2019d realize later was a misunderstanding.<\/p>\n
Maybe like me, you too can think of a time when you deserved the Austen-esque scolding of, \u201cBadly done, indeed<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n I think most of us look back and wish we\u2019d handled particular situations differently. Because let\u2019s face it, whether it\u2019s in a romantic relationship, a friendship, at work, or in an interaction with a family member, too often we\u00a0react<\/em>\u00a0when instead we should\u00a0respond<\/em>.<\/p>\n You may be asking: Aren\u2019t the words react<\/em> and respond<\/em> synonyms?<\/p>\n Technically, yes. It\u2019s true that for many of us, the only difference we see between the two words is the series of letters that follow the \u201cr.\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s also true that if you pulled up the dictionary app on your phone or tablet, you\u2019d see that academically speaking, there\u2019s not a massive difference between their meanings. React<\/em><\/a> is \u201cto act in response to an agent or influence,\u201d while respond<\/em><\/a> is defined as \u201cto react favorably.\u201d<\/p>\n But stick with me. I promise I\u2019m not merely nitpicking about semantics.<\/p>\n You see, when we get to the heart of what each word means in practice, rather than purely on paper, the distinctions become clear. Let\u2019s hearken back to our middle school essay-writing days and do a little good ole\u2019 fashioned compare and contrast. I\u2019ll even include time sequence transition words for old times\u2019 sake.<\/p>\n Plainly speaking, a reaction is whenever we have an emotionally-motivated knee-jerk reply, while a response requires us to practice the wisdom of Scripture. Responses mean we\u2019re quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry (James 1:19<\/a>).<\/p>\n Reacting escalates a situation, whether that\u2019s our desired intention or not. When we react, we\u2019re more likely to take a defensive, protective stance, and sometimes that means wrongly assuming the motives of others. Responding, on the other hand, helps us follow the biblical command to do our best to live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:18<\/a>). Responding requires assuming the best of the other person.<\/p>\n As my story aptly illustrated, reactions often led to regret. Responses, when offered during conflict and contention, can lead to reconciliation.<\/p>\n What are some common reasons you and I may react rather than respond? Here are five possibilities. See if you identify with any of them.<\/p>\n 1. You want to fix a problem.<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cHis first instinct is to fix whatever\u2019s going on,\u201d she shared with me about her husband. Maybe you can relate. Perhaps you too react to an emotion, problem or difficult situation \u2014 whether it\u2019s your own or someone else\u2019s \u2014 with an immediate need to solve it. And here\u2019s the thing: You probably have the best of intentions when you do.<\/p>\n Even though there are women I\u2019d label as \u201cfixers,\u201d research indicates that you\u2019re more likely to react with problem-solving if you\u2019re a man. Matt Ehresman in his article \u201cGuys, Shut Up and Listen<\/a>\u201d confirms that the need to fix is a legitimate struggle for men because of the way your brains are wired.<\/p>\n 2. You feel hurt or offended.<\/strong><\/p>\n Do you ever interpret what\u2019s meant as constructive feedback as negative criticism? I do \u2014 all the time! And as a result, I can feel hurt and misunderstood. The need to explain and defend myself quickly surfaces and \u2014 Pow!<\/em> \u2014 the defensive reaction erupts.<\/p>\n My personality doesn\u2019t help in this area. While I can\u2019t definitively tell you my Myers-Briggs or Enneagram type, my weaknesses tend toward perfectionism, pessimism and people-pleasing. I care whether people have an accurate perception of me, and I fight to be understood. Your personality might be different from mine, but maybe your tendency to react because you feel hurt is the same.<\/p>\n 3. You feel disrespected or challenged.<\/strong><\/p>\n Sometimes reactions result from feeling disrespected. My friend Tim says, \u201cWhen I grew up, we were raised to respect authority. Basically, I tend to find a lack of respect for authority annoying, especially if that authority has good foundations.\u201d He shares that when his son disrespects him, he struggles with reacting. \u201cOur confrontations become like a battle of wills.\u201d<\/p>\n Feeling disrespected may trigger you too. Maybe it\u2019s a coworker you supervise who disregards your directions, or it\u2019s a friend on social media questioning your knowledge of a particular subject. Whatever the case, when you experience disrespect, you may find yourself reacting rather than responding.<\/p>\n 4. You lack a long-term perspective.<\/strong><\/p>\n How often have you read a heated thread on social media and been quick to add your opinion to the mix? Or maybe you\u2019ve been upset by the latest societal \u201cscandal\u201d and posted your thoughts immediately. After all, we live in a culture of \u201cshare the outrage.\u201d<\/p>\n Reactions tend to be in the here and now. In a knee-jerk emotional state, you\u2019re probably not contemplating how your words might affect your relationship with someone long-term. After all, it\u2019s not personal \u2014 it\u2019s just social media, right?<\/p>\n 5. You\u2019re tired, hangry, or stressed.<\/strong><\/p>\n A study by researchers at Tel Aviv University<\/a> showed that when we\u2019re sleep-deprived, \u201c\u2026we lose our neutrality. The ability of the brain to tell what\u2019s important is compromised. It\u2019s as if suddenly everything is important.” I don\u2019t know about you, but when everything\u2019s important to me, I often react to the wrong things.<\/p>\n When we\u2019re tired \u2014 or hungry and stressed, for that matter \u2014 it\u2019s harder to think clearly. It\u2019s more likely you may react rather than respond when your body needs rest or nourishment.<\/p>\n How can we learn to respond rather than react? Here are three practical steps that may help you.<\/p>\n 1. Pause.<\/strong><\/p>\n Instead of reacting, take a moment to be still. If you\u2019re a fixer, maybe that means mentally stepping away from your problem-solving mode. If you\u2019re feeling hurt or disrespected, you might want to take a deep breath, count to 10, and allow your heightened emotions to slowly calm. You may even need to physically walk away from a situation or individual for a few minutes if it\u2019s an option. However, if an immediate response is necessary and you aren\u2019t ready to give a well-thought-out, loving one, consider saying something like, \u201cI need a moment. Can we continue this in a bit?\u201d<\/p>\n What\u2019s interesting is that pausing often serves different purposes for men and women. In her book \u201cFor Women Only,\u201d author and researcher Shaunti Feldhahn reports that women are verbal processors who can deal with complex emotions quickly. Men, on the other hand, tend to be internal processors and sometimes need seven hours longer<\/em> than women to process their feelings. So, if you\u2019re a woman, you may need to pause to ensure you don\u2019t say something you shouldn\u2019t. And, if you\u2019re a man, pausing may help you make sense of the situation.<\/p>\n A quick word of caution, though. Pausing is different from stuffing. The first step of responding well is to pause. Stuffing, though, simply delays a reaction. Stuffers eventually explode. My friend Anna shares that as an introvert, she tends not to react or respond initially. But even she has her breaking point. When she hits it, she often ends up reacting. So, when you pause, do your best to be intentional not to stuff.<\/p>\n 2. Pray.<\/strong><\/p>\n You and I don\u2019t have a complete understanding of the situation or individual we\u2019re tempted to react to. God does. So, after you\u2019ve paused, you may want to pray. This might just be a quick mental or under-your-breath petition to God.<\/p>\n The reality is that most situations don\u2019t allow us to set aside a significant chunk of time to pray before we respond. Nehemiah is a perfect example of this. As an exile in Babylon, he was a cupbearer to King Artaxerxes. The king noticed that Nehemiah\u2019s demeanor was sad, so he asked him why and what his request was. Nehemiah writes, \u201cSo I prayed to the God of heaven, and I answered the king \u2026\u201d (Nehemiah 2:4<\/a>-5). He was in a situation where an immediate response was needed. What did he do? He prayed right there and then.<\/p>\n What should you pray for? We don\u2019t know what Nehemiah prayed for at that moment, but we do know that James tells us that when we ask God for wisdom, He gives it to us (James 1:5<\/a>). I encourage you to ask Him to provide you with insight into your heart and why you\u2019re tempted to react in a particular way. Also, you can pray for Him to help you walk in the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23<\/a>). Because we all know that when we\u2019re reacting, it\u2019s tough to do this.<\/p>\n 3. Personalize it.<\/strong><\/p>\n Most likely if you\u2019re ready to react, the situation you\u2019re in already feels very <\/em>personal. But what \u201cpersonalize it\u201d means here is to turn your focus away from yourself and empathize \u2014 or seek to understand \u2014 the feelings of others involved.<\/p>\n Empathizing\u2019s hard sometimes, though, isn\u2019t it? In a recent episode of \u201cThis American Life<\/a>,\u201d a retired Navy officer talks about how his military training conditioned him to put his mission before his emotion. He shares, \u201cYou lose a degree of empathy in the military because empathy is not an advantageous skill to have.\u201d<\/p>\nIs there a difference between the two?<\/h4>\n
Why you may react the way you do<\/h4>\n
The 3 P\u2019s of responding<\/h4>\n