{"id":31670,"date":"2023-11-03T01:23:17","date_gmt":"2023-11-03T07:23:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/?p=31670"},"modified":"2025-05-21T10:48:50","modified_gmt":"2025-05-21T16:48:50","slug":"6-truths-about-marriage-every-engaged-couple-needs-to-hear","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/6-truths-about-marriage-every-engaged-couple-needs-to-hear\/","title":{"rendered":"6 Truths About Marriage Every Engaged Couple Needs to Hear"},"content":{"rendered":"

Eighteen years ago, when Ted and I were an engaged couple, we sat side-by-side on a blue floral couch in a living room in Virginia. Across from us, in a set of club chairs, sat a married couple from our church. As we chatted with them for the first time, both nervousness and excitement cartwheeled in my stomach.<\/p>\n

They\u2019d been married at least a decade. They knew firsthand about marriage\u2019s better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health. As Ted and I counted down the four months until our wedding, they were there to help prepare us for the days, months and years to come after we promised, \u201cI do.\u201d<\/p>\n

What I wish our premarital mentors had said<\/h4>\n

It\u2019s hard to believe that evening was almost two decades ago. And while our premarital mentors did well to ready us for marriage, sometimes I reflect on what I wish they\u2019d told us \u2014 but didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

You see, for the last five years, Ted and I have occupied those club chairs \u2014 metaphorically speaking, of course. We\u2019re now the married couple who knows firsthand the better and the worse, the richer and the poorer, the sickness and the health. As we meet with engaged couples, I find myself sharing things I wish our mentors had told us.<\/p>\n

Maybe you\u2019re newly engaged or will be soon. Or maybe you intend to date and marry somewhere down the road and want to be prepared. In any case, let me share six truths about marriage that might prove helpful.<\/p>\n

1. You can\u2019t know everything about each other before you get married \u2014 and that\u2019s OK.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Back when Ted and I talked through issues with our premarital mentors, they focused on whether we\u2019d fully disclosed our sexual history, financial records and spiritual states. Disclosure and discussion like this before marriage are crucial in making a wise and informed decision on whether to marry.<\/p>\n

These significant \u2014 and sometimes sensitive \u2014 issues aren\u2019t topics you talk about to just anyone, so sharing them as a couple creates emotional intimacy. With that closeness often comes overconfidence that you know everything that may affect your soon-to-be spouse\u2019s future behaviors, attitudes and reactions. But that\u2019s simply not true, no matter how long you\u2019re engaged. Only God searches and knows our hearts fully (Psalm 139<\/a>). As one husband of 25 years shared with me, \u201cEverybody brings baggage and history \u2014 [there are] too many details to discuss in a few years or less. I\u2019m still learning things about my wife that affect how we relate.\u201d<\/p>\n

With time, you\u2019ll learn new things about your spouse. Ted and I have. And as long as it\u2019s not a case of intentional deception, you don\u2019t need to feel shortchanged or angry. Remind yourself that it\u2019s OK because you couldn\u2019t have known everything before the wedding. Then, ask questions and embrace this new information as an opportunity to deepen your connection.<\/p>\n

2. When marriage gets hard, it\u2019s normal to wonder if you\u2019ve made a mistake \u2014 but it doesn\u2019t mean you have.<\/strong><\/p>\n

My friend Liz shared that the first six months of marriage were rough for her and her husband. She said, \u201cWe clashed over so many things. I know both of us had moments where we wondered if we\u2019d made a mistake. Thankfully, neither of us feared the other would walk out; we knew we both took our vows seriously.\u201d<\/p>\n

Now, almost 13 years later, Liz added, \u201cI\u2019ve since told many other newly-married friends to not be shocked or surprised if those first few months are far more difficult than anticipated. It doesn\u2019t mean you made a mistake or that you can\u2019t or won\u2019t have a harmonious marriage. Two becoming one is simply not a clean or easy process.\u201d<\/p>\n

When marriage gets hard (and I\u2019m in no way including instances of abuse here), you may feel like you\u2019ve made a mistake. But that\u2019s a feeling, and feelings are fickle (Jeremiah 17:9<\/a>). In contrast, covenants are not<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Family therapist Glenn Lutjens writes<\/a>, \u201cWhen the two of you walked down the aisle, each of you became the right person for each other. Yes, you may look back and second-guess your reasons. But you entered an arena in which learning to truly love someone takes a lifetime.\u201d In those moments of doubt, that\u2019s when you dig in your heels, seek counseling if you need to, and cling tightly to the commitment you made to each other before God.<\/p>\n

3. Conflict is useful, but learning how to do it well takes practice.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Several years ago, Ted and I mentored Ben and Katie. While we spent time on conflict resolution, Katie says that looking back, \u201cI wish we had been more prepared for the big fights. Ben and I rarely argue. In the nine years we\u2019ve been together, we may have had three fights. The very few difficult arguments that we have had were so hard for both of us.\u201d But, she says, \u201cIt\u2019s learning as you go.\u201d<\/p>\n

When Ted and I married, I didn\u2019t know how to navigate conflict in a healthy way. Over the years, though, I\u2019ve come to learn that conflict can be useful for a relationship<\/a> \u2014 that is, if it\u2019s navigated well. As Suzanne Hadley Gosselin writes<\/a>, \u201cStrong relationships occur when each person is looking to Christ and also to the other person\u2019s best interest. This shows itself in arguments seasoned with humility, kindness and love.\u201d<\/p>\n

But just because you want to navigate conflict well and even have practical tools to do so doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019ll come easily. Eighteen years into marriage, we\u2019re still learning how to season our arguments with the humility, kindness and love Suzanne points to. Navigating conflict takes practice \u2014 and practice makes progress. The goal isn\u2019t perfection by a particular wedding anniversary. Instead, it\u2019s to remain committed to continually growing better at handling conflict in a God-honoring and other-honoring way.<\/p>\n\t\t

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4. Your spouse will change, but sometimes that change is unpredictable.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ted and I aren\u2019t the same people we were when we got married. We\u2019ve both changed. In many ways, we\u2019ve grown together; change has strengthened our relationship. But in other ways, change has put a strain on our interactions. Back when we were engaged, I didn\u2019t anticipate we\u2019d disagree in some of the areas we do now. I believed that as long as we were intentional to grow together, we could keep all change predictable. It\u2019s not true.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m learning that change in marriage is much like two surfers riding the same wave to shore. They\u2019re in the same ocean, headed toward the same beach, yet sometimes parts of that same wave take them in different directions. They veer apart without meaning to. When it comes to you and your spouse, you can head in the same direction, do your best to stay connected, but life will not only change you both \u2014 sometimes it will change you in ways that feel divisive.<\/p>\n

How can you navigate the challenge of unpredictable change? Like the surfers who meet in the middle and high-five their successful ride, you and your spouse can \u2014 with patience, determination, regular check-ins and course corrections \u2014 adapt and modify as change takes you by surprise.<\/p>\n

5. You need to \u201cleave and cleave,\u201d but it\u2019s easier said than done.<\/strong><\/p>\n

My friend Jennifer and her husband Mike married not long after Ted and I did. Jennifer says she wishes their mentors had talked to them more about in-law relationships. \u201cWe were young, and our parents were local. We found ourselves at times trying to seek the approval of our parents.\u201d She explains, \u201cIt was easy to dismiss each other\u2019s advice or opinion in lieu of what our parents had to say about a particular matter. We had to learn to set boundaries.\u201d<\/p>\n

Most premarital mentors \u2014 Ted and I included \u2014 talk to engaged couples about what it means to \u201cleave and cleave.\u201d But this idea that marriage requires a mental and emotional shift where our spouse takes priority over our families is easier to discuss than it is to practice. As I talk about in another Boundless article<\/a>, it\u2019s one thing to say you\u2019ve moved your parents from \u201cimmediate family\u201d to \u201cextended family\u201d and filled the vacant \u201cimmediate family\u201d slot with each other. It\u2019s harder to live that out when dealing with the emotions and desires of parents and siblings.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the thing: While reprioritizing these relationships is critical to the health of your marriage, it\u2019s OK if it takes some time. Ted and I often encourage the couples we mentor to start small. Determining how you want to spend holidays is one place to start. But just like with conflict, remember that practice makes progress. With each new boundary you set, you are one step closer to fully leaving and cleaving.<\/p>\n

6. Children are a blessing, but parenting can be hard on your marriage.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Scripture tells us that children are a blessing from the Lord (Psalm 127:3<\/a>). As the parents of four kids, Ted and I wholeheartedly agree. But we\u2019ll also be quick to say that parenting can be hard on your marriage.<\/p>\n

For us, the first year of marriage was fairly smooth. But when we added a baby to our family, we found ourselves struggling with how this tiny human affected our interactions. We weren\u2019t prepared for this because we\u2019d only<\/em> been told that children are a blessing.<\/p>\n

As new parents, we were sleep-deprived and thus much more likely to react rather than respond<\/a>. And while our mentors spent an entire session talking to us about sex, they only prepared us for it before<\/em> children. They didn\u2019t talk to us about how sex changes once you factor in the sleepless nights or shower-less days a newborn brings. In these seasons, it\u2019s easy to think that sex is a thing of the past. It would have been helpful to know in advance that it doesn\u2019t stay that way.<\/p>\n

We also had to learn how to parent together. Our backgrounds and upbringings influenced our parental instincts more than we anticipated. It takes time to appreciate each other\u2019s perspective even when we don\u2019t understand it, as does learning new approaches to compromise when feelings and convictions are strong.<\/p>\n

Mentors for a season, friends for life<\/h4>\n

Eighteen years ago, when Ted and I sat on that blue floral couch for the last time, I longed to hear our mentors say, \u201cAfter the wedding, we\u2019re here for you too.\u201d<\/p>\n

But they didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

As mentors, Ted and I always make sure we say those words. We want to encourage and support couples as they walk out their commitment to each other. Who knows? Maybe a decade from now, those couples will be sitting in club chairs readying someone else for marriage.<\/p>\n

Copyright 2020 Ashleigh Slater. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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