{"id":3304,"date":"2022-12-16T05:00:00","date_gmt":"2022-12-16T12:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/83FB2C9F-7F8C-4E56-983E-6A7339316918"},"modified":"2024-12-17T09:47:59","modified_gmt":"2024-12-17T16:47:59","slug":"when-others-grieve-talk-less-and-listen-more","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/when-others-grieve-talk-less-and-listen-more\/","title":{"rendered":"When Others Grieve, Talk Less and Listen More"},"content":{"rendered":"

Words failed me as my close friend shared her grief over a recent loss.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d never experienced a similar personal tragedy, so I struggled to figure out what \u2014 if anything \u2014 to say in response. Aside from \u201cI\u2019m so sorry,\u201d I felt unqualified to speak at all.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s when I decided to give up on being articulate. I stopped attempting to say the right words and simply listened. It wasn\u2019t until later that I realized this was exactly what my friend needed from me.<\/p>\n

Since that day, I\u2019ve discovered more and more that a \u201ctalk less, listen more\u201d response is one of the best gifts I can offer others when life is hard, disappointing or outright devastating.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s possible someone in your life is facing a heartbreaking loss right now. Perhaps it\u2019s unemployment, a delayed or unfulfilled dream, a health challenge, a breakup or the death of a loved one. If so, less talking and more listening might be exactly what they need from you too.<\/p>\n

Active listening<\/h4>\n

Talking less and listening more may sound like a passive activity, but it\u2019s not. Instead, it\u2019s what we call \u201cactive listening,\u201d which requires more than simply hearing the words someone else speaks. It calls us to be fully present by focusing our undivided attention on this other person.<\/p>\n

In our smartphone culture, it starts with silencing our cell phones. We\u2019re better able to listen well when we aren\u2019t tempted to read texts, answer incoming calls or check our Instagram or Twitter feeds.<\/p>\n

Next, active listening puts our nonverbal communication skills to work. Back in my pre-marriage days, I remember my now-husband Ted telling me, \u201cYou cannot not<\/em> communicate.\u201d In one of our early conversations, he had noticed my crossed arms \u2014 or what\u2019s termed \u201cclosed body language\u201d \u2014 and took this as a negative response to what he was saying.<\/p>\n

Active listening includes open body language which expresses positive interest and attentiveness. Practice this by making and maintaining eye contact, uncrossing your arms and leaning toward the other person and nodding at appropriate moments in response.<\/p>\n

Talking is easy, listening is hard<\/h4>\n

When you and I actively listen, we acknowledge and validate another\u2019s pain, minus any attempts to fix the unfixable. Because the difficult truth is that I can\u2019t heal the brokenhearted, as much as I wish I could. Only God can do that. What I can do, though, is to offer comfort \u2014 and for this a deluge of words isn\u2019t required. Yet active listening, sans advice can sometimes be hard.<\/p>\n

When I think of those who have struggled with too much talking and too little listening, the disciple Peter immediately comes to mind. Peter had a knack for impetuously, and even brazenly, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. When Jesus spoke of His impending suffering and death, Peter took Jesus aside and corrected him, saying, \u201cFar be it from you, Lord! This shall never happen to you!\u201d (Matthew 16:22<\/a>). And, when Jesus told His disciples they would all fall away, Peter protested, \u201cThough they all fall away because of you, I will never fall away\u201d (Matthew 26:33<\/a>).<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the thing, I believe Peter had good intentions, just like you and I do. Peter desired the best for Jesus. He didn\u2019t want to see His friend and teacher suffer and die, and he certainly couldn\u2019t fathom himself betraying Jesus. After all, he\u2019d given up everything to follow Jesus.<\/p>\n

The problem was, though, Peter had a listening problem \u2014 and sometimes we do too.<\/p>\n

Becoming a better listener<\/h4>\n

So how can you and I be better active listeners, and stifle our inner Peters? Here are a few practical ideas on how to put a \u201ctalk less, listen more\u201d response into practice when people you know and love are hurting.<\/p>\n

1. Drop your assumptions.<\/strong><\/p>\n

If we\u2019ve suffered a similar loss, it\u2019s easy to assume that we\u2019re experts on someone else\u2019s loss. After all, we\u2019ve been there, done that. We know what it feels like to hurt in a particular situation. And we probably do have unique insights and understandings \u2014 at least, more so than someone who\u2019s never walked through a similar loss.<\/p>\n

Yet when we identify too closely with someone else\u2019s pain, we sometimes stop listening. We don\u2019t mean to, but we do. We replace listening with assumptions that we know precisely what this person feels and needs.<\/p>\n

But no matter how similar our loss, we aren\u2019t an authority on what someone else is going through. C.S. Lewis wrote, as he reflected on the suffering his late wife Joy experienced, that \u201cYou can\u2019t really share someone else\u2019s weakness, or fear or pain. What you feel may be bad. It might conceivably be as bad as what the other felt\u2026. But it would still be quite different.\u201d[note]C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed<\/em> (New York: HarperOne, 1996), 13.[\/note] We need to remember that every person\u2019s situation and feelings are unique.<\/p>\n

So the next time someone you know is suffering, it\u2019s helpful to drop your assumptions. Don\u2019t presume that you know the full story or that you understand exactly how that person is feeling. Because most likely, you don\u2019t. Instead, be open and willing to hear what the other person is feeling, experiencing and thinking.<\/p>\n

2. Be empathetic.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Empathy is more than just feeling pity or sorrow for<\/em> someone \u2014 it\u2019s feeling it with<\/em> them. It\u2019s powerful and meaningful and shows others we\u2019re there for them. Empathy<\/a> communicates to the person hurting that he or she is not alone.<\/p>\n

In John 11<\/a>, Jesus shows you and me how to practice empathy well. Jesus had recently received word that His close friend Lazarus was deathly ill. Lazarus\u2019 sisters begged Jesus to come quickly to heal him. But, for whatever reason, Jesus didn\u2019t. He ended up arriving four days after Lazarus was buried.<\/p>\n

After hearing that His friend was dead, Jesus wept.<\/p>\n

The interesting thing is that Jesus had the power to raise Lazarus from the dead \u2014 and He planned to do just that. He could have quickly stopped Lazarus\u2019 family and friends from feeling sorrow and mourning. But he didn\u2019t. He didn\u2019t even use a lot of words. Instead, He came alongside them and publicly felt grief with <\/em>them. He offered them empathy, not an inspiring pep talk.<\/p>\n

Author and speaker Joni Eareckson Tada wrote, \u201cThis is what you do when someone you love is in anguish; you respond to the plea of their heart by giving them your heart.\u201d[note]Tada, Joni Eareckson and Steve Estes, When God Weeps: Why Our Sufferings Matter to the Almighty <\/em>(Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1997), 125.[\/note] When it comes to empathy, you and I can do the same \u2014 by choosing to limit our words and instead feel with<\/em> our friends who are hurting.<\/p>\n

3. Be prepared to speak.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Talking less and listening more doesn\u2019t mean you and I don\u2019t talk at all. It means that when we do speak, we\u2019re careful with our words and keep them few.<\/p>\n

Saying, \u201cI\u2019m so sorry\u201d and \u201cI don\u2019t know what to say\u201d are helpful initial responses. These phrases acknowledge loss and validate grief. Also, \u201cI\u2019m here for you\u201d paired with our actual presence communicates love and support.<\/p>\n

And, if you are asked for advice, then it\u2019s definitely okay to offer your thoughts and practical ideas. However, I\u2019ve learned it\u2019s good to try to keep that advice from being prescriptive. Using phrases such as \u201cThis helped me \u2026\u201d or \u201cOne way I \u2026\u201d are ways to gently share counsel with someone else.<\/p>\n

A few years after my friend walked through her tragic loss, I faced a similar one. I suddenly had a better understanding of what she\u2019d gone through. Yet when I shared with her my grief, she didn\u2019t try to compare our situations or feelings. Instead, she empathetically listened, and when I asked for advice, she gently encouraged.<\/p>\n

And her \u201ctalk less, listen more\u201d was just the gift I needed.<\/p>\n

Copyright 2018 Ashleigh Slater. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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