Have you ever heard of a medical condition called dysgeusia? Up until a few years ago, I hadn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
Dysgeusia is when someone\u2019s sense of taste is impaired or distorted. I first learned about it when my husband, Ted, came down with this unpalatable ailment. Everything he ate \u2014 that is, except Mickey D\u2019s breakfast burritos, for some inexplicable reason \u2014 had a \u201crancid\u201d or \u201crusty metal\u201d flavor profile.<\/p>\n
Close your eyes and imagine taking a bite of what\u2019s normally your favorite food. Maybe it\u2019s a cheeseburger. Or it could be Thai Panang curry \u2014 one of my top picks. Or perhaps you\u2019re a dessert lover and you can\u2019t get enough cheesecake. As your favorite flavors hit your taste buds, you\u2019re expecting all the goodness, but instead you get a disgusting gush of musty dirt.<\/p>\n
Yuck, right?<\/p>\n
Well, for Ted, it was months of one foul bite after another. I remember wondering if he\u2019d ever enjoy eating again.<\/p>\n
Most of us don\u2019t know what it\u2019s like to live with this appetite-killing condition. But we do know what it\u2019s like to be fed something that\u2019s equally hard to swallow \u2014 and that\u2019s criticism.<\/p>\n
Criticism can taste a bit rancid, right? Even delivered under the best of circumstances by the people who love us the most, it\u2019s painful to ingest critical words that point out our faults or judge us in some manner. It\u2019s interesting, though, that no matter how much we dislike being fed criticism, the sour taste of it doesn\u2019t stop us from dishing it out to others.<\/p>\n
Ouch.<\/p>\n
For some reason, criticism comes easily for us. It\u2019s not a struggle to notice other people\u2019s failures or bad habits or annoying quirks and want to correct them. And this propensity to focus on and point out the negative is even more true when it comes to those we spend a lot of time with. It might be a roommate, a sibling, a coworker, a best friend or a parent. Maybe it\u2019s even a boyfriend or a girlfriend.<\/p>\n
But what would happen if instead of feeding our need to correct or criticize or even be right, we determined to feed the other person’s hunger for praise and affirmation?<\/p>\n
You may already know this, but we all need more praise than criticism. While, yes, constructive, love-filled feedback can help us grow<\/a> in godliness and character, and there will always be moments that require us to \u201cspeak the truth in love\u201d (Ephesians 4:15), negative critique isn\u2019t what we \u2014 or the people we surround ourselves with \u2014 need the most. In fact, according to an article<\/a> in the Harvard Business Review, <\/em>we all need at least five words of praise for every word of criticism.<\/p>\n So, how can we start feeding those around us more praise than criticism? Here are a few practical ways to start.<\/p>\n 1. Adopt a grace-filled perspective.<\/strong><\/p>\n Lately, I\u2019ve been revisiting the mix-tape-worthy songs of my teen years, and, as you\u2019ve already surmised by my use of \u201cmix tape,\u201d dating myself big time<\/em> in the process. As I heard one of my old favorites, the lyrics reminded me of how God\u2019s grace \u2014 His undeserved kindness toward us \u2014 brings us freedom (John 8:36<\/a>). His grace unburdens our hearts and allows us to live with levity.<\/p>\n The idea of grace resulting in freedom isn\u2019t limited to how God interacts with us. It also affects our relationships with others.<\/p>\n When we practice grace toward those around us \u2014 especially when they\u2019re getting on our last nerve \u2014 we also extend freedom. We unburden their<\/em> hearts as we release them from our<\/em> expectations and personal preferences. Because let\u2019s face it, a lot of what we criticize others for isn\u2019t necessarily sinful, or, as sin is defined, “missing God\u2019s mark.” Instead, our criticism is often based on how others have missed our<\/em> mark.<\/p>\n So, if we want to start feeding others genuine praise, it begins by changing our mindset and adopting a grace-filled perspective toward those around us.<\/p>\n Before I give you an example of what this might look like, take a moment to contemplate the word adopt.<\/em> I\u2019ve used it intentionally here. When we adopt something, it\u2019s meant to be permanent. God didn\u2019t temporarily select us as His children. He\u2019s not just chaperoning us for a few years. No, His adoption of us is unchanging. Adopting a grace-filled perspective is meant to be a permanent and ongoing lifestyle decision for us.<\/p>\n One practical way to start is to focus on progress<\/em> rather than perfection<\/em>. Let\u2019s say that you chatted with your roommate or family member a few weeks ago about his or her habit of leaving dirty dishes in the sink. Every. Single. Morning. The dishes aren\u2019t even being rinsed out and stacked nicely until they can be washed. There are bowls with crusted oatmeal in them, and mugs stained with coffee.<\/p>\n Today, when you get home from a long day of work or class, you discover dirty breakfast dishes in the sink for the third time this week. It\u2019s easy to feel frustrated, right? After all, you\u2019ve talked about this issue.<\/p>\n Frustration is natural \u2026 that is, if<\/em> you\u2019re focusing on how your roommate\u2019s failed<\/em>. But what if you focused on his or her success<\/em> instead?<\/p>\n Stick with me.<\/p>\n When you first talked about the unwashed dishes, it was happening every day. So, three days is progress. It\u2019s an improvement. Rather than criticizing an imperfect dishwashing record, try expressing appreciation to your roommate for the progress. The simple truth is the praise \u2014 not criticism \u2014 is what encourages us to want to continually improve.<\/p>\n Adopting a grace-filled perspective can help establish a habit of praising others. When you focus on the good, that\u2019s what you see \u2014 and it slowly changes your perspective of the person.<\/p>\n 2. Check your vocabulary and the tone of your praise.<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s not a bad idea!\u201d Ted responded lightheartedly. I chuckled and replied, \u201cWell, I guess it\u2019s not a good one either, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n Sometimes, when it comes to praise, I tease Ted over his word choice. Rather than affirming me with, \u201cThat\u2019s a great idea!\u201d he\u2019s occasionally known to jokingly reassure me that my idea isn\u2019t bad and he\u2019s \u201cheard worse.\u201d Or, instead of telling me, \u201cYou\u2019re right!\u201d he likes to say with a wink, \u201cYou\u2019re not wrong.\u201d I know his words are said in jest, and so they don\u2019t hurt. But coming from someone else, I imagine they could fall flat.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not enough to simply recognize progress and acknowledge it. We also need to be intentional about the vocabulary and the tone we choose as we give praise. The words we say and how we say them make a difference in whether the person we\u2019re praising actually feels affirmed.<\/p>\n So how can you check your tone in praising someone whose negative habits are much easier to see than their positive traits?<\/p>\n Let\u2019s go back to the roommate and dirty dish scenario. Say you\u2019ve decided to focus on progress rather than perfection, and you\u2019re about to affirm your roommate for the slow but steady change. You could phrase your praise in a couple of different ways.<\/p>\n You could say something like: \u201cI noticed that you aren\u2019t leaving your dirty dishes in the sink every morning anymore. I did still find them unwashed a couple of times this week, but at least I\u2019m not coming home to find it as much.\u201d<\/p>\n How do you think your roommate would feel? Praised for the progress, or shamed for a lack of perfection?<\/p>\n I\u2019m going to guess he or she would feel your disappointment and disapproval more than your affirmation. The word choice \u2014 and most likely the tone that would accompany it \u2014 focuses on how your roommate is still missing your mark.<\/p>\n But what if you shared your praise like this: \u201cI appreciate you washing your dishes and putting them away. I noticed you\u2019ve been doing that more regularly and I so appreciate your thoughtfulness and effort.\u201d<\/p>\n Do you notice the word choice difference between this one and the first one? While the other one was negative, this takes a positive and affirming approach. It acknowledges what\u2019s been done without focusing on any shortcoming. It communicates that you recognize and appreciate the changes, even if they are slow in coming.<\/p>\n For most of us \u2014 this hypothetical roommate included \u2014 we\u2019re more likely to continue making an effort if we feel like what we\u2019re already doing is being seen and applauded, rather than our shortcomings denounced.<\/p>\n 3. Keep your praise other-focused.<\/strong><\/p>\n I often equate praise with compliments. Maybe you do too. And here\u2019s the thing: You and I aren\u2019t wrong \u2014 as Ted might say. If you looked up the word compliment<\/em> on Dictionary.com, you\u2019d find this definition<\/a>: an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration.<\/em> Pretty straight forward, right? We have a trusted source telling us flat out: Praise is expressed through compliments.<\/p>\n