{"id":34044,"date":"2025-11-21T01:25:13","date_gmt":"2025-11-21T08:25:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/?p=34044"},"modified":"2025-11-21T01:33:58","modified_gmt":"2025-11-21T08:33:58","slug":"has-cancel-culture-influenced-how-you-date","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/has-cancel-culture-influenced-how-you-date\/","title":{"rendered":"Has Cancel Culture Influenced How You Date?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cYou cannot not<\/em> communicate,\u201d he informed me.<\/p>\n

It was the second time we\u2019d talked one-on-one. And now, without warning, I found myself in an unwanted debate with him over why I\u2019d just crossed my arms.<\/p>\n

My answer of, \u201cI don\u2019t know \u2026 just because,<\/em>\u201d wasn\u2019t convincing enough for this tall, lanky and \u2014 dare I say \u2014 cocky man.<\/p>\n

It turns out that, like me, he\u2019d studied communication in grad school. \u201cAll body language has meaning,\u201d he reminded me. So those crossed arms of mine? Well, typically, they conveyed defensiveness and discomfort.<\/p>\n

As I walked away from that unexpected inquisition, I thought, What a jerk! If I wasn\u2019t feeling defensive before, I am now. I\u2019ll show him what crossed arms mean!<\/em><\/p>\n

Well \u2026 about that. That jerk\u2019s name was Ted, and he\u2019s now my husband of more than 18 years.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the thing, though. There\u2019s a chance that if we\u2019d had that same conversation today rather than almost two decades ago, I wouldn\u2019t have dated him, let alone married him.<\/p>\n

Welcome to dating in an age of \u201ccancel culture.\u201d<\/p>\n

Living in a culture that cancels<\/h4>\n

Most of us have witnessed someone get \u201ccanceled.\u201d Maybe it\u2019s an actor, athlete, politician, or even a well-known pastor. Perhaps it\u2019s someone who wasn\u2019t previously in the public eye. It might be the college applicant who posted something questionable to social media five years ago, and someone somewhere saved their momentary lack of good judgment for exactly this cultural moment. After all, as they say, online is forever.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know about you, but sometimes I feel as if we\u2019re living in an era of groupthink gone wild. With groupthink, there\u2019s intense pressure to, as one psychology site<\/a> explains, put aside our personal beliefs and \u201cadopt the opinion of the rest of the group.\u201d Or, at the very least if we do disagree, to keep quiet.<\/p>\n

Yet, while groupthink causes people to stifle their opinions to \u201cgo along to get along,\u201d cancel culture takes it further.<\/p>\n

Cancel culture doesn\u2019t target what we say or do over time, but instead it shames who we are in one solitary moment \u2014 with the goal to silence us. As Abdu Murray explains<\/a>,<\/p>\n

\u201cIn cancel culture, a single mistake is perpetually unforgiveable because it\u2019s not simply a guilty act.<\/em> Rather, the mistake defines the individual\u2019s identity, turning them into a shameful person <\/em>\u2014 someone who can be \u2018canceled.\u2019\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

More and more, it seems that this toxic act of publicly ostracizing an individual has become a private one, too, seeping into our interpersonal relationships. Maybe during the last election, a friend decided to \u201ccancel\u201d you over a different policy view. I had it happen. Or perhaps you\u2019re the one who did the canceling.<\/p>\n

From the public figures we follow to the friendships we cultivate, it\u2019s safe to say that we\u2019ve all been impacted either directly or indirectly by cancel culture. But have you ever stopped to consider how cancel culture may be reshaping your perspective on dating and how you determine whether someone\u2019s \u201cmarriage material\u201d or not?<\/p>\n

When cancel culture meets dating culture<\/h4>\n

Stick with me here. I know you may be thinking that for the audience I\u2019m talking to, I\u2019m grasping at straws. After all, you\u2019re reading this on a website dedicated to helping you navigate your dating choices with biblical wisdom and intention. You wouldn\u2019t be reading articles here, including this one, if you were easily swayed by cancel culture.<\/p>\n

Hear me out, though. Because sometimes cancel culture whispers to us rather than screams at us. Its influence isn\u2019t always loud and clear and easily identifiable.<\/p>\n

Consider the following three ways cancel culture influences dating. See if you recognize any of your attitudes, behaviors or decisions in them.<\/p>\n

And if you do, don\u2019t worry. You\u2019ll also find some practical takeaways to help you decipher whether those attitudes, behaviors or decisions are due to cancel culture or not.<\/p>\n

1. Cancel culture identifies everything as a red flag.<\/strong><\/p>\n

When Ted and I started dating, we both watched for red flags<\/a>. As we considered our future together, we didn\u2019t want to overlook any clear signals warning us that the other had a consistent sin-based character flaw. We took time to carefully consider character and respond accordingly.<\/p>\n

But that\u2019s not what cancel culture promotes and enforces. In its call for us to react rather than respond<\/a> to isolated words and actions, we\u2019re encouraged to see everything as a glaring red flag \u2014 even those things that may not be.<\/p>\n

What about that impatience your date shows when the waiter messes up their dinner order? Red flag!<\/em> How about their differing view on the best way to be missionally-minded? Red flag! <\/em><\/p>\n

So, how can you tell whether the red flags you\u2019re seeing are a result of biblical, Spirit-led discernment or whether they\u2019re prompted by cancel culture\u2019s overly-sensitive and judgmental voice?<\/p>\n

Zoom out.<\/p>\n

In grad school, I took an intro class to film production. Learning about close-ups wasn\u2019t anything new; but understanding the difference between a close-up and an extreme close-up was. While a close-up frames the actor\u2019s face, an extreme close-up focuses on a specific part of the face, such as the eyes.<\/p>\n

Cancel culture wants you to use an extreme close-up to look at others. It encourages you to see the impatience or the difference in your opinions without the context of character. But biblical, Spirit-led discernment takes a close-up approach. It looks at the eyes within the face, so to speak \u2014 not apart from it. So, if you\u2019re not sure whether something is a red flag or not, look at it in context. Consider overall character, not just what appears to be an isolated character flaw.<\/p>\n

2. Cancel culture rejects room for personal growth.<\/strong><\/p>\n

When Ted and I had our infamous debate, the term \u201ccancel\u201d wasn\u2019t yet being actively applied to people. It was more of an \u201cI want to cancel my order\u201d or, \u201cOh no! My favorite TV show was just canceled!\u201d Even so, there was part of me that in the moment wanted to freeze-frame him and determine our relational fate based on it.<\/p>\n

Have you ever wanted to do this, too? Maybe you have found yourself doing this at your date\u2019s first sign of imperfection or immaturity. If so, cancel culture would approve.<\/p>\n

Cancel culture rejects the potential for personal growth. It says that who someone is in that moment when they mess up or fail to impress is who they are and always will be. There\u2019s not much, if any, room for change or even the imagination to envision it.<\/p>\n

But as Carolyn McCulley writes, you won\u2019t marry someone flawless and unwaveringly mature. She explains<\/a>,<\/p>\n

\u201cWhile you are called to be discerning about the characters of [those] \u2026 you befriend or date, you also have a part in growing with <\/em>[them] \u2026 toward Christ.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

If that\u2019s the case, then how can you tell if there\u2019s potential for the two of you to grow together toward Christ, or if this moment really is a red flag indicating a pattern of immaturity that you need to walk away from?<\/p>\n

Ask your mutual \u201cvillage.\u201d<\/p>\n

Talk to individuals who know both of you and, even better, chat with those who have known the person you\u2019re dating longer than you have. Confidentially share your concerns in a respectful manner and see what they have to say. This is not an opportunity to gossip or vent, but a time to gain clarity. Chances are, they can give you some insight that may provide you with more context.<\/p>\n

3. Cancel culture runs at the first indication of conflict.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been known to say that conflict is an adventure. That\u2019s because I tend to define adventures as Bilbo Baggins did, as \u201cnasty disturbing uncomfortable things\u201d that \u201cmake you late for dinner!\u201d Kidding \u2026 well, kind of.<\/p>\n

As Merriam-Webster points out, adventures are \u201can undertaking usually involving danger and unknown risks.\u201d And isn\u2019t that what conflict is too? Just like adventures challenge and stretch us in ways that force us to change, so does conflict. When we face a disagreement with someone else, our ideas and attitudes risk having to change.<\/p>\n

But it\u2019s precisely for those reasons that conflict, when navigated well, can be a tool that God uses in our relationships to help us be iron sharpening iron (Proverbs 27:17<\/a>) to each other.<\/p>\n

The problem is that cancel culture seems to view potential conflict as a cue to write someone off completely. Differing opinions and contrasting ideas aren\u2019t engaged. They\u2019re silenced at the first indication of potential conflict. As I mentioned, it\u2019s groupthink gone wild.<\/p>\n

But all healthy relationships will include some conflict. In fact, if you\u2019re engaged to be married and tell me that you and your fianc\u00e9 never experience any conflict, I\u2019d be concerned. I\u2019d wonder if you\u2019re authentic and genuine with one another and sincerely ready for marriage.<\/p>\n

That said, if you tell me you\u2019re constantly experiencing conflict, I\u2019d say you might want to consider whether that\u2019s a red flag. Maybe spend some time together with a trusted pastor, mentor or counselor and determine the root cause.<\/p>\n

The God of Second Chance<\/h4>\n

Let\u2019s get back to Ted and my debate over crossed arms. Why did I give this tall, lanky and cocky man a second chance? It wasn\u2019t merely because I didn\u2019t live in today\u2019s cancel culture \u2014 although that no doubt helped.<\/p>\n

Instead, it goes back to the God of Second Chance, as Bebo Norman calls Him in the song, \u201cA Page Is Turned<\/a>.\u201d He\u2019s the God who sees me in context and loves me anyway. The One who knows just how much personal growth I need and patiently encourages me to keep growing. He\u2019s the God who doesn\u2019t fear my hard questions.<\/p>\n

Well, it was this God of Second Chance\u2019s grace toward me that inspired me to show grace toward Ted. And I\u2019m so glad I did.<\/p>\n

If I had walked away from that conversation and canceled Ted based on it, I would have missed out on so much. This includes the man he\u2019s become \u2014 the teachable and curious guy whose cockiness has been tempered by the gospel \u2014 and continues to be.<\/p>\n

Oh, and just in case you\u2019re wondering, he\u2019s also the man who\u2019s determined it\u2019s wiser for him not<\/em> to question the crossing of my arms \u2026 ever again.<\/p>\n

Copyright 2021 Ashleigh Slater. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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