{"id":34437,"date":"2024-08-26T01:24:24","date_gmt":"2024-08-26T07:24:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/?p=34437"},"modified":"2024-09-04T15:38:59","modified_gmt":"2024-09-04T21:38:59","slug":"how-to-be-a-dating-wingman","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/dating\/how-to-be-a-dating-wingman\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Be a Dating \u201cWingman\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"

Click here<\/a> to listen to this article.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m thinking about saying yes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Was she \u2013?<\/p>\n

Yes! My normally romance-resistant friend Justine was blushing just thinking about dating Jordan, our mutual friend.<\/p>\n

The next couple of months felt like something out of a Jane Austen novel as one or the other \u2013 or both Jordan and Justine \u2013 would stop by my home and talk, usually while drinking a large mug of tea. Sometimes I was a sounding board; other times I simply provided a safe space for them to get to know one another better.<\/p>\n

It was time-consuming, rewarding, hilarious \u2013 and sometimes messy. I had a lot<\/em> to learn about supporting my friends as they date.<\/p>\n

Defining the role<\/h4>\n

Sure, I could call myself the \u201cthird wheel.\u201d The term describes a single friend who accompanies a dating couple \u2013 but it can also mean unwanted<\/em>, useless<\/em> and unnecessary<\/em>. Seriously? Instead, I\u2019m going to use the term \u201cwingman.\u201d While it\u2019s not always a positive role in the context of dating, in an Air Force context, it\u2019s vital: When you\u2019re flying first in formation, the wingman guards your tail.<\/p>\n

Dating in community helps couples stay accountable for appropriate physical and emotional boundaries, maintain important friendships, and avoid becoming codependent. The presence of others also helps identify relational red flags and gives greater objectivity in issues of character and compatibility from multiple angles and stages of life (Proverbs 18:1<\/a>; 11:14<\/a>).<\/p>\n

The wingman\u2019s many faces<\/h4>\n

Supporting a dating couple becomes a lot more doable when you realize that you\u2019re only part of a larger team (Romans 12:3-6<\/a>) and that each wingman role may be as different as the friends involved. One (or more) of these roles may describe you, while the rest will (hopefully) be filled by others in the couple\u2019s circle:<\/p>\n

Comrade-in-arms:<\/em><\/strong> Because you\u2019re in the same life-stage as the dater, you can easily swap insights while telling your own stories. Sometimes you interpret his experiences to others so they can support him better.<\/p>\n

Encourager:<\/strong> <\/em>You help the dater regain perspective when she misreads or overreacts. You may provide an actual shoulder to cry on, shed tears on your friend\u2019s behalf, or simply listen and express compassion. You may pray for her on the spot or promise to continue praying until things change. You also bring her attention back to Jesus and His good purposes, and hold onto hope for her future at times when she\u2019s discouraged.<\/p>\n

P<\/em>roblem-solver<\/em>:<\/strong> Perhaps you are well-read, have the gift of discernment, can draw from the experience of mentoring numerous friends, or are trained as a counselor. You recognize patterns in the way your friend dates, help troubleshoot underlying issues, and recommend books and resources.<\/p>\n

Mentor: <\/em><\/strong>You have maturity and life wisdom that the dater needs. Though you may be unable to fully empathize because your story is different, it means a lot when you make a genuine effort to understand.<\/p>\n

Accountability partner: <\/em><\/strong>You support your friend in maintaining the boundaries he has chosen and communicated with you.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Connector:<\/em><\/strong> You foster interconnectedness in dating by inviting the couple to help clean up after a meal, pitch in during a move, or serve together at church; to join you for meals, Bible studies, small groups, parties, game nights, double dates or informal couple-to-couple counseling.<\/p>\n

Sounding board: <\/em><\/strong>While your friend figures out healthy expectations, progression and dynamics for the relationship, you\u2019re an active, sympathetic listener. You listen to the end, summarize and ask if you\u2019ve heard correctly, support while gently suggesting other possible interpretations, speaking from Scripture. You\u2019re willing to let your friend process the same thing repeatedly.<\/p>\n

Remember, a good wingman has good boundaries. Respect both partners, refusing to give into gossip or \u201cpiling on.\u201d Keep your discussion confidential except in cases of abuse, and avoid imposing your personal relationship ideals or applying your experiences to those in a different situation.<\/p>\n

Encourage your friend to vet your advice, and make sure they know communication will stay open even if they don\u2019t take it. Finally, pray more than you advise or attempt to \u201cfix.\u201d God knows your friend\u2019s situation better than you do, and is eager to provide guidance when asked (James 1:5<\/a>).<\/p>\n

Offering your services<\/h4>\n

I met Kailyn in an online forum. Because we were both dating at the time, it was natural for us to share stories as we became friends. Soon we were zipping video messages back and forth, asking, \u201cAm I crazy? Do I have a right to be stressed out about this?\u201d Then we\u2019d encourage one another, as Kailyn says, \u201cto respond biblically and not get trapped in the feels<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

In many cases, the wingman role arises naturally out of an existing friend, sibling or mentoring relationship. Ideally, your dating friend will simply invite you to be a wingman, and you won\u2019t have to wonder what your role is. But how do you support someone who is not<\/em> bringing up the latest in her dating life or asking for prayer and advice?<\/p>\n

First, understand that not every friend needs you as wingman. Though I felt uneasy when an acquaintance began dating a man with a complicated past, I knew that because she already had wise, highly involved family and friends, it wasn\u2019t necessary that I jump in to help her.<\/p>\n

If you are<\/em> a key person in your friend\u2019s life and she\u2019s not sharing with you, then it might be healthy to ask yourself: What kind of person do I <\/em>turn to when I need help with dating? I\u2019m guessing you choose someone who feels safe because she is committed, not to a specific outcome, but to God and your true well-being; because she shows you respect, is open about her own life and shortcomings, and views you not as a project, but as a friend.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve determined that you are easily recognizable as a safe confidante, then perhaps you can simply bring up the topic with your friend and establish the details of your role together.<\/p>\n

In his book \u201cSide by Side,\u201d biblical counselor Edward Welch gives us what he calls \u201ca primer on how to help one another.\u201d Step by step, he describes what it means to initiate and deepen a mutually helpful friendship with a fellow believer.<\/p>\n

First, whenever you cross paths with this person, greet her. Sound ridiculously simple? It can be life-changing<\/a>. Gradually, in short but meaningful conversations that grow longer and deeper, you\u2019ll begin discovering what\u2019s important to your new friend. As you swap stories and life updates, it becomes natural to pray with and for each other. When sin arises, you\u2019ll be positioned to act patiently and humbly, and because all this plays out in the context of the body of Christ, you\u2019ll enlist co-helpers when needed.<\/p>\n

When wingman work gets messy<\/h4>\n

Fighting panic about a long-distance relationship that was reopening old wounds, I called my parents for comfort. Normally they\u2019re the best of wingmen, but this time I heard a new message behind their words: This is your fault.<\/em> Forget others\u2019 happy endings; get used to your story being hard in every way.<\/em><\/p>\n

Bewildered and hurt, I hung up the phone. \u201cWhy would anyone say<\/em> that?!\u201d I exclaimed. That\u2019s when I realized: Because I was teetering on the edge of panic, my emotions had distorted what they actually<\/em> said to me.<\/p>\n

Has dating blindsided you by revealing character flaws you didn\u2019t know you had? It could be heightened sensitivity, insecurity, jealousy or unrealistic expectations. Perhaps it was fear: of rejection, making poor decisions, or bystanders thinking badly of you. For some, it\u2019s easily crossing physical boundaries because you\u2019re too trusting of your normally excellent self-control.<\/p>\n

If you can relate, then you are even better prepared to express compassion to your dating friend who\u2019s been blindsided as well. You can voice Jesus\u2019 love and reaffirm your friend\u2019s identity in Him. You may also share your own dating stories so your friend knows when his concerns are normal and when they\u2019re deal-breakers. If your friend\u2019s response is unusually strong, you may encourage him to look beyond symptoms for root issues like learned behaviors, relational scars or dysfunctional family patterns. [note]Three books that helped me understand my own insecurities and form healthy patterns in dating or wingman relationships were \u201cWhen People Are Big and God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear<\/a>” of Man by Edward T. Welch, \u201cThe Sacred Search: What If It’s Not About Who You Marry, But Why?<\/a>” by Gary Thomas, and \u201cLove Across Latitudes: A Workbook on Cross-cultural Marriage<\/a>\u201d by Janet Fraser Smith. I found the last book helpful for other unusually complex relationships as well as cross-cultural ones.[\/note]<\/p>\n

If there are true red flags in your friend\u2019s relationship \u2013 his partner is manipulative, abusive or involved in unaddressed addiction or sexual sin; or maybe the couple is together violating the Bible or their own stated boundaries \u2013 then how do you address them?<\/p>\n

Edward Welch suggests that you pose the scenario anonymously to your pastor for advice. Or wait until you can talk privately to your friend without interruption and ask if he has noticed a specific behavior, and if so, how he feels about it. Be direct and compassionate, saying, \u201cHey, I’m concerned about ______ because I love you and don’t want you to get hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n

Why wingman work is worth it<\/h4>\n

At times, the wingman role is especially difficult. You can feel tired, lonely, or left out. When someone is getting what you\u2019ve waited for, it\u2019s tempting to pull away. It\u2019s never fun to provide accountability \u2013 and in addressing such sensitive matters, you are taking a real risk that your friend will become hurt or angry or even reject you.<\/p>\n

But I learned that ultimately it\u2019s not about me, my friends, or getting someone to marriage, because both dating and<\/em> serving as a wingman have been excellent means of growth. My friends and I have become more realistic about how relationships work, and less likely to over-think or fear them. We\u2019ve grown in humility and reliance on God, our understanding of temptation, compassion for ourselves and others, and hope as we discover that God truly is the best matchmaker.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s also much to enjoy in the process, including the excitement of hearing about the unfolding relationship and the way it can bond you as friends, getting to know the new boyfriend or girlfriend, and celebrating growth and hard decisions made wisely. Because I share a personality type with some of my friends\u2019 husbands, a simple conversation about my motivations can provide them parallel insight into their spouses. Even as my role in their lives shrinks or changes, my married friends continue to value my friendship and need my support. As my friend Joy reminded me, \u201cYou’re a necessary part of the process, not just a third wheel.\u201d<\/p>\n

Perfectly positioned<\/h4>\n

\u201cHey, Allie, look at this!\u201d<\/p>\n

While I was at work with a girl I knew my younger brother was secretly interested in, he just happened to text me a picture of his building project. Sharing the photo was a fun but rare moment, because as her older mentor I knew she valued my opinion, and I wanted to leave Allie space to form her own feelings about Dan.<\/p>\n

Months later, I delightedly helped break the ice after their second date by serving them hot chocolate at my kitchen table.<\/p>\n

Finally, I wore a flowing blue bridesmaid\u2019s skirt and walked a grassy aisle to stand opposite my teary-eyed brother while he married one of my dearest friends. Having closely witnessed their sorrows and uncertainties and God\u2019s many providences as He brought them together, their joy was my joy, too.<\/p>\n

Sometimes the third wheel has the best seat in the house.<\/p>\n

Copyright 2021 Elisabeth Adams. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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