{"id":35144,"date":"2023-10-13T01:03:33","date_gmt":"2023-10-13T07:03:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/?p=35144"},"modified":"2023-10-09T07:59:02","modified_gmt":"2023-10-09T13:59:02","slug":"how-can-i-love-other-christians-when-we-argue-all-the-time","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/how-can-i-love-other-christians-when-we-argue-all-the-time\/","title":{"rendered":"How Can I Love Other Christians When We Argue All the Time?"},"content":{"rendered":"

What am I tired of hearing about?<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

When I responded to this blog question<\/a> with a geyser-like surge of angst, I knew I had a problem.<\/p>\n

Maybe for you, it\u2019s politics or the pandemic. In that moment, I was incensed over a few topics that had been splashed online for months \u2014 even years \u2014 with such relentlessness, intensity, untruth, or unsolvable ambiguity that I never<\/em> wanted to encounter them again.<\/p>\n

Are you like me? Patient, soft, and kind \u2014 until, yikes! \u2014 I\u2019m outspoken, opinionated, and witheringly matter-of-fact. Delighted to welcome and encourage folks \u2014 until (to my shame) I just \u201ccan\u2019t even\u201d with a fellow child of God.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re all suffering under the same world events, but the pain is not uniting us. Because if I\u2019m<\/em> not getting salty, then it\u2019s someone I love, or someone I can\u2019t avoid. Whether nations, political parties, workplaces, churches, or families and friends, we seem increasingly alienated, not only from our actual opponents, but even from those we long counted close.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m no stranger to division. I\u2019ve been rocked by church split. I\u2019ve watched family and dear friends walk away from Christ \u2014 or away from me. I lie awake sometimes in fear of losing another relationship. Yet I\u2019ve seen how that very fear can feed alienation.<\/p>\n

In fear, we clutch, coerce, or preemptively distance ourselves from one another. In fear, we place far too much faith in our own persuasive words, far too little in the slow, nearly imperceptible, awesome, earth-shaking, heart-melting work of the Holy Spirit.<\/p>\n

Is there something at stake? Oh, friends, there is: We must find common ground in Christ, so \u2014 in loving each other out loud \u2014 His body can truly show Him to the world (John 13:35<\/a>; Romans 15:5-7<\/a>).<\/p>\n

Recently, a friend mentioned how American Christians argue about politics, current events and worship styles, yet \u201cthe family of God worldwide is so, so big and diverse.\u201d She asked, \u201cHow do your experiences internationally affect how you view division in the American church?\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve spent nearly a decade outside the United States, but it was during my years as an expat in Israel that I saw a startling unity in the body of Christ. Living as a minority, melded in a crucible of homesickness, danger and culture shock, and knowing<\/em><\/a> we needed one another, we were quick to recognize our family bond as believers and quick to move into fruitful conversation. Here are a few ways it can happen.<\/p>\n

Lead with story<\/h4>\n

\u201cClass is canceled,\u201d I told my Taiwanese friend. \u201cBut you can sit down for tea.\u201d Delighted when she agreed, I asked the question everyone asks while sitting \u2018round a table in Jerusalem: \u201cHow did God bring you here?\u201d Perched on a kitchen chair, Lei described a long route to a surprising destination: ministry to construction workers from China. Soon two more classmates arrived and accepted my invitation to stay. The first, an African believer, chimed in with a testimony about three men who preached the gospel in Nigeria; the second, an Arab pastor, noted that millions of African Muslims were coming to faith in Jesus.<\/p>\n

Too often, American Christians bond over doctrines, personal convictions, online movements, or whatever else distinguishes us from the rest of the body of Christ. Take my classmate, Brian: When introducing himself to a new acquaintance, he\u2019d launch into an interrogation about their particular theology. Yes, it\u2019s eventually important to know what other Christians believe, especially when seeking a congregation, mentor, ministry partner or spouse. But if I never lead with swapping stories, I may stifle the conversation, and I\u2019ll miss hearing what God\u2019s up to in the world. I may also miss out on the gift of a new friend \u2014 one with fresh perspectives I need to hear.<\/p>\n

Meet at a table<\/h4>\n

Back when I crossed a border most every week, making a bus-train-bus-bus-taxi trip to teach, I had a driver whose extremist education left him sure \u201cthe other side\u201d wanted to eat him for breakfast. I\u2019m not sure how he braved the border and pulled up a chair like he was family, but after sharing one meal, he knew he\u2019d been lied to: These \u201cenemies\u201d were friends.<\/p>\n

Meeting at a table has been a means of fellowship for millennia. A meal creates a brief and manageable oasis of space and time for even the most difficult meetings. It greatly enriches communication and emphasizes our shared humanity, making it possible to move from curiosity to empathy \u2014 perhaps to love.<\/p>\n

Be curious<\/h4>\n

Didn\u2019t their mothers teach them anything? <\/em>I thought, as I watched Israelis cut in line at the grocery store.<\/p>\n

While living in a very international city, I learned that culture is like the hidden part of an iceberg: There are assumptions you don\u2019t even know you have until you meet someone whose assumptions are different \u2014 and you sort it out. Culture shock taught me that each person has assumptions and motivations that I know nothing about \u2014 and that others may actually share my values, but just express or prioritize them differently. I may not know until I ask.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s possible to experience culture shock between different ideologies within the church. The more strongly you\u2019re convinced about an issue, the more it seems your \u201copponents\u201d must be strange or stupid (or evil). Remembering that there\u2019s a hidden part of their iceberg helps us approach \u201cthe other side\u201d with more curiosity and less accusation, asking, \u201cCan you tell me the story behind your convictions?\u201d or \u201cWhat does this issue mean to you<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

Welcome others<\/h4>\n

Did you know that the New Testament church argued too? In an increasingly polarized world, I\u2019m comforted to know that God foresaw we\u2019d have a wide variety of convictions \u2014 and He left us instructions on how to respond.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s clarify: First<\/em>-level truths, those directly related to the gospel and the Bible\u2019s authority, are essential for every Christian. Second<\/em>-level practices may divide us into different congregations and doctrinal camps, but not from the worldwide body of Christ. But on third<\/em>-level issues like holidays, meats and circumcision, early Christians came to their own conclusions.<\/p>\n

Based on these New Testament accounts, I believe God calls me to do what He wants me<\/em> to do, while giving others freedom in areas the Bible has left open. With undecided friends, I shouldn\u2019t quarrel over opinions, meaning self-based, confusing hamster wheels of reasoning that park us in our original prejudice. Rather, I should welcome them like Jesus welcomes me (Romans 14:1<\/a>; HELPS<\/a>).<\/p>\n

Find out where you are<\/h4>\n

Got controversy? The Bible\u2019s full of intensely practical advice, some of which I\u2019ve distilled into the questions below (a convicting process!).[note]For scriptural support and guidance, see Psalm 1:1<\/a>; 55:12-14<\/a>, 22<\/a>; Proverbs 18:2<\/a>, 13<\/a>, 17<\/a>; Matthew 5:24<\/a>; Romans 14:1-15:7<\/a>; Galatians 6:12-17<\/a>; 1 Corinthians 1:12-13<\/a>; 8-10<\/a>; 2 Corinthians 5:11-21<\/a>.[\/note]<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re game to prayerfully consider these questions, I suggest choosing a third-level topic you care about, and keep it in mind as you read:<\/p>\n