If it weren\u2019t for a set-up, I might not exist.<\/p>\n
For 20-odd years, my dad was oblivious to a girl he\u2019d grown up with until one day when his older sister casually asked, \u201cHave you ever thought about Sue?\u201d<\/p>\n
Well, once he started thinking about Sue, he couldn\u2019t stop \u2014 and they\u2019ve now been married for 45 years.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s such a fun story, but I\u2019m still single, even after a number of similarly simple and heartfelt set-up efforts by my family and friends. So here\u2019s my question: While set-ups seemingly worked for past generations, are they worth attempting today?<\/p>\n
Before I answer, let me take you to a scene that sounds strange to Western ears, but felt normal, light-hearted and funny to me because I lived in Jerusalem \u2014 in a culture where matchmaking is deemed a good deed. In fact, I\u2019d call amateur matchmaking a Middle Eastern love language, shown to family and friends, neighbors, acquaintances, fellow passengers on the bus, and even random people on the street.<\/p>\n
After six rainless summer months, autumn arrived with a sudden downpour just as I was stopping for a falafel. The middle-aged shopkeeper beckoned me in under the awning, and began chatting as he assembled my sandwich.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you married?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n
After we established that he had a single son my age, he dropped a succession of falafel balls into a vat of hot oil and motioned me to a chair at a safer distance from the rain blowing in at the tiny shop\u2019s open front. From the back room, a young man appeared. \u201cAre you married?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d I replied, bemused by their clever maneuvering.<\/p>\n
The questions continued: How old was I? Why was I still single? Did I want a boyfriend?<\/p>\n
Saved by the ringing telephone on the wall above my head, I moved to let the father take the call, finished my falafel, and saw that the downpour had turned to drizzle. As I escaped and waved goodbye, the young man blew me a kiss across the counter.<\/p>\n
When my American friend Jana heard this tale, she was struck by how frankly the young man shared his desire for a mate. Asking for help with dating is humbling, she says, \u201cbecause there\u2019s something I want and I can\u2019t achieve it, while a lot of people around me are<\/em> achieving it. There\u2019s a stigma about needing help, almost like there\u2019s something wrong with you if you\u2019re not married by a certain age.\u201d<\/p>\n Sometimes singles experience married Christians treating their singleness like it\u2019s a burden, or something that needs to be \u201ccured\u201d by marriage. Despite the stigma \u2014 or perhaps because of it \u2014 many singles wish they were not completely alone in the process of finding a godly spouse. Among the 102 people \u2014 aged 23 to 63 \u2014 who responded to my survey about set-ups, 68 had been set up, and 34 had done the same for others. About half feel positive about set-ups in general; many know marriages that began that way.<\/p>\n When I asked if churches should host dating events for singles, most said, \u201cNo.\u201d Not only does that kind of event feel awkward, stigmatizing or even desperate, but most believe the church should remain focused on the gospel and discipleship. Getting personal<\/em> support from friends in the church, however, is largely welcomed, especially if it comes from mentors or close friends.<\/p>\n How do they feel when someone offers to set them up? The most common responses were: loved, grateful, and vulnerable<\/em>. More than half rushed to add, however, that their feelings about a set-up depend on how well the matchmaker knows them. Several said they would reject help from even family and friends who don\u2019t know or share their values and Christian faith.<\/p>\n Considering the vulnerability of involving others in our love lives and the difficulty of finding good allies, it\u2019s no wonder that many are turning to the privacy and autonomy of online dating. But as my friend Kiara points out, different personalities handle online dating differently. Some can cut straight to the chase. Others attach rapidly and may stay in contact with rejected matches out of sympathy, taking energy away from the search for a viable match. Some find the process taxing, but worth it. Others may decide that pursuing marriage in this particular way is not good stewardship.<\/p>\n It is possible, however, to combine the power of community with the online world, and the Jewish community is particularly innovative in this regard. Recently, they\u2019ve developed matchmaking events that work a lot like speed-dating \u2014 only it\u2019s friends of singles who show up and rotate between small groups, comparing profile information. Similarly, there are Zoom and Facebook groups that crowd-source matchmaking. One website links singles to matchmakers who provide a curated list of profiles to consider. On another, moms set up and pay for coffee dates. There\u2019s also an organization that uses teachers to set up students they already know.<\/p>\n The Christian world has its own innovations. Mom blogger Kelly Stamps<\/a>, who met her husband through a set-up, began to host yearly events in which her readers created blog posts to introduce their single friends. Kelly has since moved to an Instagram account<\/a> where singles can introduce themselves. Of the 39 married couples (and counting) who met with her help, many have invited her to their weddings.<\/p>\n Laura Austin<\/a> of Hey Mrs. Austin<\/a> encourages singles to ask others for set-ups, coaching from her own experience of dating into her 30s. She says, \u201cThe women I coach consistently have positive experiences with set-ups, even if it doesn\u2019t work out with the guy.\u201d She says her own confidence grew when she stopped seeing \u201cwrong\u201d matches as a reflection on her and simply practiced saying, \u201cNo, thank you\u201d as needed. She also enjoyed her singleness more when she realized that she was choosing it over being in a relationship that wasn\u2019t what she was looking for.<\/p>\n According to the National Academy of Sciences, the practice of meeting through friends has been declining over the last 80 years, and its number-one spot now belongs to matches formed online. Jeff Kaplan says that the average millennial user spends 10 or more hours a week on dating sites, using as many as four different apps simultaneously because so few matches turn into dates. After working for a major dating website, Lakshmi Rengarajan now asks why we outsource our dating lives to corporations. She suggests that apps change us, making us less patient and open, while set-ups can make the atmosphere less transactional. And if we\u2019re already setting others up with friendships and jobs, why not with romantic matches as well?<\/p>\n If we\u2019re going to go fully organic in making matches, how does the process work? Here\u2019s what I learned from my own experience, from Jewish, secular and Christian matchmakers, and from those who answered my survey.<\/p>\n First, almost anybody can get involved. If you\u2019re single, you might not have considered setting others up, but you may the perfect person, especially if you know more singles than your married friends do. I love the story told by a Jewish matchmaker named Ziva Kramer. She had just two days left of her visit to Israel when friends implored her to find a match for their daughter. The problem: She knew just one potential guy, and when she called him, he declined. Then Ziva got bold. She pestered him into finding a friend who would<\/em> go out with the young woman. Within 90 minutes, he did \u2013 and the couple is now married. While the friendly arm-twisting approach may be unique to Ziva\u2019s culture, the principle of networking still applies: If one friend can\u2019t help, he might know somebody who can.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re seeking a spouse, assemble a wise and trustworthy support team<\/a>. Choose potential matchmakers with healthy relationships and ask<\/em> them to help. Be healthily open to suggestions, but don\u2019t let others override your intuition.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re helping others seek a spouse, go about your life with an ear for those who say they want to meet someone. Then prayerfully consider any matches that come to mind. Introducing a couple only<\/em> because they\u2019re both single can make them feel unseen, perhaps even that their case is too desperate to expect a good fit. At the same time, you\u2019re not looking for the perfect match, just a hunch and a handful of things you think the two have in common.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s what you must know about the people you want to set up:<\/p>\n What comes next? The introduction could be as simple as \u201cIan, this is Gina. Not only can she talk online teaching woes, but you and she both understand chronic illness, and have a lot of respect for biblical counseling. Gina, Ian teaches for the local seminary and he shares your love for hot air balloons.\u201d The couple just needs to know enough to spark further conversation.<\/p>\n Sometimes the matchmaker goes on to provide more: the online or actual venue for meeting, perhaps. Or gentle advice and support, like training wheels for the wobbly beginning of a new relationship. But sometimes a nudge (like the one my dad got from his sister) is enough for the couple to make a match on their own.<\/p>\n Whether you\u2019re matchmaking or being matched, relax: It\u2019s just an introduction<\/a>.<\/p>\n My favorite falafel-seller didn\u2019t understand my commitment to marrying within my own faith. But a Christian acquaintance also showed how little she knew me, picking Christian men who lived across the globe and<\/em> had hugely different lifestyles from mine. In contrast, when longtime friends invited me to visit them in Europe, hoping to introduce me to their neighbor, our shared context and trust meant I confidently took the trip \u2013 and the risk. The great strength of the set-up is this confidence \u2013 not that a man is my perfect match, but that he\u2019s a man of integrity.<\/p>\n For me, dating through set-ups has led to good conversations, good friendships, the kindest of breakups \u2013 and even afterwards, to prayer and phone calls of support in times of crisis. \u00a0While I\u2019m still single (so far), my friends\u2019 many matchmaking efforts have provided some really good things, like funny stories, affirmation (the matchmakers wanted me<\/em> to date their loved ones!), travel and adventure, cross-cultural experience, godly fellowship, and spiritual and relational growth.<\/p>\n My matchmakers have loved me well by accepting failed matches graciously and refusing to idolize marriage on my behalf. They have helped me best, I suspect, when they are close enough to know a little about my single life: one thing I would miss if I marry, for example, and one thing I\u2019ll be glad to set aside.<\/p>\n Whether single and married, we\u2019re called to \u201cWork out your own salvation with fear and trembling,\u00a0<\/sup><\/strong>for\u00a0it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for\u00a0his good pleasure\u201d (Philippians 2:11-13<\/a>). Meanwhile He makes us \u201cstrong to comprehend with all the saints\u201d (Ephesians 3:14-19<\/a>). For me, that has meant prayerfully wrestling out my own theology of singleness, suffering, disappointment and fruitfulness \u2013 side by side with those whose stories are different, but whose hearts are the same.<\/p>\n In this way, I hope, we\u2019ll all become light-hearted, hopeful and adventurous together, asking \u201cWhat if?\u201d while we consider inviting set-ups or making matches for others.<\/p>\n Copyright 2021 Elisabeth Adams. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Why matchmaking done right still has a place in an increasingly mobile and fractured world. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":81,"featured_media":35502,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-35501","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating","category-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nSo why are you<\/em> still single?<\/h4>\n
What about dating online?<\/h4>\n
How does it work?<\/h4>\n
\n
Confidence for more<\/h4>\n