{"id":36727,"date":"2022-04-04T00:01:52","date_gmt":"2022-04-04T06:01:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/?p=36727"},"modified":"2023-12-06T15:02:26","modified_gmt":"2023-12-06T22:02:26","slug":"dont-bury-your-relational-issues","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/dont-bury-your-relational-issues\/","title":{"rendered":"Don\u2019t Bury Your Relational Issues"},"content":{"rendered":"

We don\u2019t talk about Bru-no, no, no, no<\/em>. \u00a0We don\u2019t talk about Bru-noooooo.<\/em><\/p>\n

Blame me, because it\u2019s true: This earworm from Disney\u2019s blockbuster animated film \u201cEncanto\u201d will live in your head for the rest of the day. Also true is how ironic this song\u2019s lyrical line is. After all, it\u2019s followed by lots and lots and lots<\/em> of talk about Bruno.<\/p>\n

So, what\u2019s a character from a kids movie have to do with an article for adults? Surprisingly, plenty.<\/p>\n

We all have our \u201cBrunos.\u201d And (spoiler alert) I don\u2019t mean our very own crazy, rat-loving relative who lives in the walls of our home. But just like Bruno was a taboo topic in the Madrigal household, we all have unresolved issues with others that we\u2019d rather not talk about.<\/p>\n

Haunting issues<\/h4>\n

My husband, Ted, and I have been married 19 years. Last fall, we took a marriage course at our church, because one of our relational philosophies is that we can always learn, improve, and grow closer as a couple. We were quickly reminded that old issues die hard.<\/p>\n

A problem that plagued Ted and me in our first few years of marriage still haunted us almost two decades later. This marriage course took a shovel to it \u2014 not to bury it, but to dig it up and force us to deal with it.<\/p>\n

In the past, each time this problem surfaced, we failed to deal with it in a productive way. Sure, we argued about it and resolved it just enough to make up and temporarily move on. But we never got to the root of what was going on or devised a practical plan of action that satisfied us both.<\/p>\n

Ted and I both studied communication at the master\u2019s level. We both have degrees in it. But despite this training (and the diplomas to prove it), we still lacked the skills to tackle this problem successfully. Sadly, it had continued to impact our relationship and create space for resentment to grow.<\/p>\n

Burying issues isn\u2019t something only married couples do. Singles do it, too. Regardless of our marital status, we all have issues with other people that haunt us because we\u2019ve never dealt with them like we should. Maybe you can think of a few right now.<\/p>\n

Sometimes these issues are the elephant in the room; you and the other individual are fully aware of them. But other times, we don\u2019t realize we\u2019ve buried an issue. It may be with our parents or a sibling. Maybe it\u2019s with a close friend, coworker, college classmate, or someone we\u2019re dating or engaged to.<\/p>\n

Whatever the case may be, avoiding issues doesn\u2019t make them go away. And if you\u2019re hoping to get married someday, learning how to appropriately address issues with others now will only benefit you in the long run.<\/p>\n

3 common reasons we bury issues<\/h4>\n

Why do many of us bury issues rather than dealing with them? Here are three common reasons I\u2019ve observed in my own life.<\/p>\n

1. Discomfort. <\/strong>During Jesus\u2019 famous Sermon on the Mount, He said, \u201cBlessed are the peacemakers\u201d (Matthew 5:9<\/a>). Even though I grew up reading this verse, I spent decades misunderstanding what it meant to be a \u201cpeacemaker.\u201d<\/p>\n

I thought peacemakers were those people who always found a way to avoid conflict to keep the peace. Conflict brings discomfort, and I don\u2019t enjoy feeling uncomfortable or making those around me uneasy. So that\u2019s precisely what I did for years; I maintained peace by burying my issues with others.<\/p>\n

In my late 20s, though, I learned that peacemakers aren\u2019t conflict-avoidant. Instead, I discovered that they are problem solvers<\/a>. As Ken Sande further explains in his book \u201cThe Peacemaker<\/a>\u201d: \u201cWhen Christians learn to be peacemakers, they can turn conflict into an opportunity to strengthen relationships, preserve valuable resources, and make their lives a testimony to the love and power of Christ.”<\/p>\n

2. Fear. <\/strong>I wasn\u2019t just leery of discomfort. I was also afraid that once I brought up an issue, it would negatively change my relationship with the other person. What if a friend thought I was overreacting because I shared that something she said hurt my feelings \u2014 so she decided to ghost me? Or maybe my co-worker would think I was difficult, and our teamwork would suffer?<\/p>\n

But what I\u2019ve learned is that an unaddressed issue always<\/em> negatively affects my relationships. When I\u2019m too afraid to talk things through with others, my interactions with them remain at a surface level. They\u2019re shallow. Authentic relationships grow out of truth-telling and vulnerability, not fear. And sometimes that\u2019s messy.<\/p>\n

3. Pride. <\/strong>My pride can take being wrong<\/em>. I\u2019m OK with that. What it doesn\u2019t handle well is embarrassment<\/em>. So, sometimes I bury an issue because I don\u2019t want to feel ashamed for having strong feelings about a situation or problem. But more and more I\u2019m finding that this pride keeps me from being vulnerable.<\/p>\n

For example, in my book \u201cTeam Us<\/a>,\u201d I wrote about how Ted isn\u2019t big on holidays \u2014 including birthdays. He just doesn\u2019t care much about his, which has hindered his ability to understand why I do<\/em> care about mine. When he\u2019s forgotten to celebrate mine in the past, I\u2019ve often let embarrassment keep me from sharing my hurt feelings. I\u2019ve wanted him to be excited about my birthday on his own, and not because I\u2019m asking him to be.<\/p>\n

How to bring up issues in a healthy way<\/h4>\n

What steps can you take to stop burying issues and start addressing them?<\/p>\n

1. Pray and take courage. <\/strong>It\u2019s hard to bring up a difficult issue, especially if you\u2019re used to burying problems instead. Before you do anything else, pray. Ask God to give you courage, wisdom, and the right words to speak.<\/p>\n

2. Choose the right time and the right place. <\/strong>Have you ever felt blindsided by someone else sharing an issue they have with you? I certainly have. And when this happens, I tend to get defensive and emotional. That\u2019s why it\u2019s important for us to bring things up at the right time and in the right place. For example, you might consider inviting the other person to coffee and letting them know in advance that you\u2019d like to talk through something with them.<\/p>\n

3. Share your views kindly but clearly. <\/strong>This is no time for stream-of-consciousness talking or processing out loud. Before you go, rehearse what you want to say to make sure it\u2019s concise and clear. Also, use communication techniques such as saying, \u201cI feel like \u2026\u201d rather than \u201cYou have \u2026\u201d to avoid judging (even unintentionally) the other person\u2019s motives or meaning.<\/p>\n

4. Listen and accept responsibility. <\/strong>It\u2019s important to remember that there are two sides to every issue. It\u2019s possible this other person has been oblivious to what you\u2019re feeling or to the problem in general. It\u2019s helpful to not be offended if they are. Instead, listen to them. The same is true if they are fully aware of the issue and are equally hurt. Listen to their feelings without interrupting and accept responsibility for your part in the situation.<\/p>\n

5. Repent and forgive. <\/strong>You can\u2019t really move on from a situation and strengthen a relationship unless you\u2019re willing to repent and forgive. Say you\u2019re sorry for the part you\u2019ve played in the issue, then extend forgiveness for theirs. And remember: Forgiveness doesn\u2019t restore trust. Trust is earned over time and may need to be re-earned.<\/p>\n

6. Let it go. <\/strong>If you\u2019ve made it right with the other person, then let it go. (Yes, there\u2019s another<\/em> Disney earworm for you.) If you haven\u2019t because the other person isn\u2019t willing to, remember that you can\u2019t make people work through issues with you. You\u2019re only responsible for bringing it up and doing your best to navigate it in a way that honors God.<\/p>\n

Keep talking about Bruno<\/h4>\n

Is there a Bruno-like subject in your life you need to take a shovel to and dig up? Who do you need to courageously talk to so you can move from the shallow to the authentic?<\/p>\n

We\u2019ve all got things we\u2019d prefer not to talk about. But if we muscle up the courage to pick up our shovels, unbury what we\u2019ve left unaddressed for too long, and openly work through them, we\u2019ll start seeing that our relationships are infinitely richer and more real. And that\u2019s something worth talking about.<\/p>\n

Copyright 2022 Ashleigh Slater. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We\u2019ve all got things we\u2019d prefer not to talk about. But if we uncover the issues we\u2019ve left unaddressed, we\u2019ll see our relationships become infinitely richer and more real.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":84,"featured_media":39869,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,7,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-36727","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-life-with-others","category-marriage-prep","category-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nDon\u2019t Bury Your Relational Issues - Boundless<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Avoiding issues doesn\u2019t make them go away. 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