{"id":39854,"date":"2023-12-18T01:41:03","date_gmt":"2023-12-18T08:41:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/?p=39854"},"modified":"2023-12-06T10:10:43","modified_gmt":"2023-12-06T17:10:43","slug":"how-to-handle-the-ex-fiance-factor","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/how-to-handle-the-ex-fiance-factor\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Handle the Ex-Fianc\u00e9 Factor"},"content":{"rendered":"

The third time\u2019s the charm<\/em> \u2014 or so it\u2019s been said. In my husband, Ted\u2019s, case, it was true. I was his third fianc\u00e9e. But unlike his two previous broken engagements, ours ended with, \u201cYou may now kiss the bride.\u201d As I write this, we are nearing our 21st wedding anniversary.<\/p>\n

I have spent over two decades with this man of mine. But in the early days of our engagement and even into the first year of our marriage, I had to process that he hadn\u2019t always<\/em> been mine.<\/p>\n

Obviously, \u201cnot always been mine\u201d is true for all married couples. Every spouse has lived a life before the \u201cI do,\u201d and for many of us, that included dating others. Ted wasn\u2019t my first boyfriend.<\/p>\n

So, what was the big deal?<\/p>\n

Even though I was confident God had brought Ted and me together, I still struggled with the reality that someone else had called him her fianc\u00e9 first. Someone else had received an engagement ring from him before me. And when he\u2019d first asked, \u201cWill you marry me?\u201d it wasn\u2019t directed towards me.<\/p>\n

While I\u2019m not overly competitive by nature, the truth is, I didn\u2019t love coming in third.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re not the first, but you\u2019re (hopefully) the last<\/h4>\n

Maybe you\u2019re seriously dating someone with a broken engagement in their past, and you\u2019re talking about marriage. Or it could be that you\u2019re already engaged and planning a wedding together. Whatever stage you\u2019re in, I\u2019m confident you\u2019re excited about the future \u2014 as you should be!<\/p>\n

But you also may be experiencing some emotions you didn\u2019t expect. Like me, you could be struggling with feelings of loss in the middle of your newfound joy and anticipation.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know about you, but I was conflicted when I felt those not-so-happy emotions. Shouldn\u2019t I only <\/em>be happy and grateful that Ted was with me now<\/em>? Wasn\u2019t the past in the past \u2014 where it should stay? Some would say yes. But I think it\u2019s more complicated than that.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the thing. A broken engagement is a loss for the person you\u2019re with. They have grieved it and come to terms with it (if they haven\u2019t, that may be a red flag, but we\u2019ll get to that in a bit). For them, it\u2019s hopefully in the past.<\/p>\n

For you, though, it\u2019s very much in the present. You\u2019re facing it, but from a different perspective. It\u2019s not the loss of a relationship or potential future, but the loss of knowing you aren\u2019t the first to experience life-changing milestones with the person with which you hope to spend the rest of your life.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the thing. Scripture teaches us that we weren\u2019t created for a world full of brokenness. It was never God\u2019s intention for us to experience loss. Because of that, feeling sadness or anger in the face of any loss is normal. It\u2019s OK and healthy to grieve both big and small ones. This means it\u2019s normal to feel sad about coming in second \u2014 or even third.<\/p>\n

So, while some might encourage you to only focus on the positive and feel gratitude, I\u2019m not here to do that. I think you must work through your feelings. You may be able to do that one-on-one with God, or you might need to bring in a trusted friend or counselor.<\/p>\n

Signals your emotions may not be healthy<\/h4>\n

But how do you know when the emotions you feel are normal and when they\u2019ve become unhealthy? Here are a couple things to consider.<\/p>\n

1. You are stuck.<\/strong><\/p>\n

When you were younger, did you ever audition for a play, a musical, a choir, or the school band? Maybe you were cast in the show but didn\u2019t get the part you wanted. Or perhaps you made second chair instead of first. You probably felt disappointed, right? But eventually, you had to move on from your disappointment and step into the role you did<\/em> get.<\/p>\n

The same is true for marrying someone who has been engaged. There is \u201ca time to weep,\u201d as Ecclesiastes 3:4<\/a> says, but it is a season or a temporary part of the process. If you find your focus stuck on the broken engagement for an extended period and can\u2019t move to \u201ca time to laugh,\u201d your feelings may no longer be healthy or helpful.<\/p>\n

One way to get stuck is to ask the wrong questions. What do I mean by that?<\/p>\n

I had the wisdom not to request too many specifics. I posed the \u201cbig picture\u201d questions. For example:<\/p>\n