{"id":41631,"date":"2024-10-14T01:24:34","date_gmt":"2024-10-14T07:24:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/?p=41631"},"modified":"2025-03-18T09:19:54","modified_gmt":"2025-03-18T15:19:54","slug":"how-to-set-physical-boundaries-when-dating","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/how-to-set-physical-boundaries-when-dating\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Set Physical Boundaries When Dating"},"content":{"rendered":"<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em>Click <a href=\"https:\/\/youtu.be\/SBYMVjjCSWM\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">here<\/a> to listen to this article.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>I met my husband, Ben, on a missions trip. I sensed that he liked me, but tried to ignore his attention because I was focused on the trip. After we got back, Ben asked if he could come over. We revisited our experience overseas and shared photos. We began a casual friendship, and two months later went on our first official date.<\/p>\n<p>In his book \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/How-Get-Date-Worth-Keeping\/dp\/0310262658\/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3NV0GT1QQARUK&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.eMxmkSPc80PawYaO8eOv4DsNjU92erc1FzcOCK3aLXqZhGTdijLJP2moSvWBE7_gAFJAgNXNSHMIPe2TW5b3aBkkSwpHMhBFKHzizsHP71v1R0EgGirT92CA0mSxQ56d5sSradEhDhm98Y-2giqZh_zDIx3IsfghSUwuVGEaFGkcsyWYLp4spauPVh2NqP0guPHzmrLp1GTeaS455nvBWjo18Unbb7zciq5v2Z0bImo.xg7sDLcEO3FP4MKT_t3etrvOnFKMTSOATyYHHg63tw0&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=how+to+get+a+date+worth+keeping&amp;qid=1725982977&amp;sprefix=how+to+get+a+%2Caps%2C136&amp;sr=8-1\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">How to Get a Date Worth Keeping<\/a>,\u201d Dr. Henry Cloud explains the purpose of dating this way:<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>\u201cDating is about finding out who you are and who others are. If you show up in a masquerade outfit, neither is going to happen.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>That is what Ben and I aimed to do \u2014 get to know each other. Navigating the confusing, beautiful, and magical season of \u201cdating\u201d had its highs and lows. There were many learning curves, disagreements and tears. But it was a season that well-equipped us for the future.<\/p>\n<p>Ben and I both became Christians at a young age. Faith was central to our dating relationship, and we wanted to honor God in every aspect of our relationship, including the physical. However, the lines between godly and sinful behaviors weren\u2019t always clear-cut. We call these <em>gray areas<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>Gray areas are actions and circumstances that Scripture doesn\u2019t specifically speak to. Some people believe they are unwise or even harmful, while others don\u2019t. Examples could include:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Kissing before marriage<\/li>\n<li>Spending time together after dark<\/li>\n<li>Hanging out behind closed doors<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>When you throw hormones, romance, and another attractive but sinful human into the mix of these morally gray areas, pain, confusion, and angst often arise.<\/p>\n<p>Looking back, I hadn\u2019t thought or prayed much about setting boundaries in dating. I didn\u2019t seek to explore and understand these \u201cgray\u201d areas. I wish I had. The first step to setting boundaries is defining them.<\/p>\n<h4>What are boundaries?<\/h4>\n<p>Like morally gray areas, boundaries are often ambiguous; everyone has an opinion about them. Practically speaking, here are a few helpful characteristics of what boundaries are \u2014 and aren\u2019t.<\/p>\n<p>Boundaries are:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Guidelines for helping you reject sinful attitudes and behavior<\/li>\n<li>Intended to help you honor God in your relationship<\/li>\n<li>Specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound (SMART) goals between you and your partner<\/li>\n<li>Realistic and appropriate for your specific season and situation<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Boundaries are not:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Legal contracts that suck the fun out of dating<\/li>\n<li>Legalistic ways of manipulating your relationship<\/li>\n<li>Concrete walls that can never be adapted once you set them<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Boundaries are ever-evolving. This isn\u2019t a one-and-done conversation you can tuck in your pocket and move on from; boundaries must be discussed and reviewed as you and your partner grow and mature.<\/p>\n<h4>What do boundaries look like?<\/h4>\n<p>When Ben and I first started dating, we made some simple boundaries:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>No hanging out in dark rooms after 10 p.m.<\/li>\n<li>No kissing until marriage<\/li>\n<li>Doing dates in public places if we\u2019re feeling tempted<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Once we were engaged, we added some additional boundaries. You\u2019d be surprised how much temptation increases on your way to the altar. Things like hugs, forehead kisses (because we weren\u2019t kissing on the lips), and cuddles were no longer merely cute affections, but sexual turn-ons.<\/p>\n<p>Some extra boundaries included:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Hugging in public, not private<\/li>\n<li>Limiting forehead kisses to a few seconds<\/li>\n<li>Cuddling only in group spaces (like a living room or game room) with others present<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>As with any relationship, evaluating where your and your partner\u2019s hearts are regarding these boundaries is important. The question is not, \u201cHow close can I get to the line without crossing it?\u201d but \u201cHow can I honor Jesus in this relationship?\u201d Our standard should be Jesus\u2019 example, not the world\u2019s.<\/p>\n<p>Confused about where to start? Here are three tips to help you set boundaries before marriage, minimizing heartbreak and indecision later.<\/p>\n<div class=\"sap-embed-player\"><iframe src=\"https:\/\/subsplash.com\/+bk27\/embed\/mi\/+kp9j72b?audio&#038;info&#038;embeddable&#038;shareable&#038;logo_watermark\" frameborder=\"0\" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/div>\n<style type=\"text\/css\">div.sap-embed-player{position:relative;width:100%;height:150px;}div.sap-embed-player>iframe{position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;}<\/style>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h5>1. Don\u2019t wait to make a game plan.<\/h5>\n<p>In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/passage\/?search=Proverbs%207%3A1-26&amp;version=ESV\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Proverbs 7:1-26<\/a>, we read about a young man who finds himself on the street of a seductive woman. The Amplified Bible translation provides this description:<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>\u201cFor at the window of my house I looked out through my lattice. And among the naive [the inexperienced and gullible], I saw among the youths a young man lacking [good] sense, passing through the street near her corner; and he took the path to her house\u201d (Proverbs 7:6-8, AMP).<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>The young man in this Proverb could\u2019ve taken a different path home but was enticed by the woman\u2019s flattery. And because he had already gone down that road,<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>\u201cwith her many persuasions she caused him to yield; with her flattering lips she seduced him. Suddenly he went after her, as an ox goes to the slaughter [not knowing the outcome], or as one in stocks going to the correction [to be given] to a fool\u201d (Proverbs 7:21-22, AMP).<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>It\u2019s hard to fight temptation when you\u2019ve already crossed the line. If you want to set protective boundaries while dating, it\u2019s crucial to do this <em>before <\/em>things get hot and heavy. Before you\u2019re enticed by what looks appealing and feels good (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/passage\/?search=Hebrews%2011%3A25&amp;version=ESV\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Hebrews 11:25<\/a>; <a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/passage\/?search=Proverbs%2014%3A12&amp;version=ESV\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Proverbs 14:12<\/a>). Let\u2019s look at an example:<\/p>\n<p>Blue and Alice have dated two months. They\u2019re solid Christians who pray, attend church, and study the Scriptures. They\u2019ve held hands and kissed a couple of times, however they had an intense make-out session in Blue\u2019s car on their last date. They\u2019re uncertain how far things would\u2019ve gone if it weren\u2019t for Alice\u2019s phone interrupting them.<\/p>\n<p>Blue and Alice could\u2019ve prevented this encounter by setting boundaries when they first started dating. Clearly, time alone in a parked car isn\u2019t a good idea for them. It\u2019s probably not a good idea for most dating couples.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m not saying to discuss boundaries on the first date or decide right now if you\u2019ll marry this person; there\u2019s a purpose for every season. But I\u2019m saying that boundaries are important. They are agreed-upon terms you and your significant other create and adhere to <em>before <\/em>temptation starts knocking.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019d also highly recommend getting accountability in your boundaries. Tell a trusted mentor couple from your church about your commitment and ask them to check in with you and hold you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/blog\/if-youre-seeking-community-be-prepared-accountability\/\">accountable<\/a> to the parameters you\u2019ve established. This is wisdom, pure and simple.<\/p>\n<h5>2. Be honest and clear.<\/h5>\n<p>When Ben and I first met, I wanted to save my first kiss for marriage. Kissing before marriage isn\u2019t a sin, but to me, it was <em>sacred<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/passage\/?search=Leviticus%2010%3A10&amp;version=ESV\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Leviticus 10:10<\/a>, God tells us to separate what\u2019s common from what is sacred. Though this Old Testament verse references ceremonial cleanliness, the same applies to pursuing purity in our relationships today. Trusting God with intimate and holy things creates deeper joy, love, passion and fulfillment. But it\u2019s only possible if we\u2019re <em>honest<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>Having clear boundaries requires us to stay within the lines God has given us in His Word. But it is always for our good. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.desiringgod.org\/messages\/the-path-to-full-and-lasting-pleasure\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">John Piper<\/a> phrases <a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/passage\/?search=Psalm%2016%3A6&amp;version=ESV\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Psalm 16:6<\/a> this way, \u201cThe lines have fallen for me in <em>pleasures<\/em>, I have a beautiful inheritance.\u201d Lasting pleasure and fulfillment with our significant other only happens when we remain within these boundary lines.<\/p>\n<p>As with gray spaces, determining what\u2019s sacred may differ for your relationship and is between you and God. But there is a special kind of beauty in maintaining integrity through clear boundaries.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong>A few months into dating, Ben and I broke up. He wasn\u2019t being himself, and I couldn\u2019t decide how I felt about him. Three months later, the Lord led us back together. I was open to kissing this time, but now Ben wanted to wait. In an honest confession, he told me not kissing would help him sexually. He was easily tempted by a history of pornography addiction and wanted to protect us.<\/p>\n<p>This was a challenging conversation. Nothing was easy about <em>not <\/em>kissing during our dating season. But the wait was worth it because we honored God with all we had \u2014 physically, spiritually, emotionally and relationally. In this case, restraining intimacy (even kissing) was the best way to honor Ben, God, and our relationship.<\/p>\n<p>Giving into my desires would\u2019ve been selfish and compromised our purity. By abstaining from kissing, we built our relationship on foundational friendship. We protected our purity and carried out a boundary we\u2019d agreed to keep.<\/p>\n<h5>3. Date with purpose.<\/h5>\n<p>The other day I was listening to Sadie Robertson\u2019s \u201cWHOA That\u2019s Good\u201d podcast on \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/youtu.be\/eIOmmhn0HE4?si=sETdl2mE3ZlzG2zs\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">A Messy Conversation About Sex and Marriage<\/a>.\u201d In this episode, they gave an illustration highlighting the purpose of reserving sex for marriage. Imagine it this way:<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019ve been eyeing a red pickup truck for five years. You\u2019ve researched it, know the mechanics, and talked to current owners. Before purchasing, you think about taking an unauthorized test drive, but you refrain; you could damage the truck and your potential for owning one. Choosing to wait until marriage to have sex and choosing to date with purpose are the same way.<\/p>\n<p>Dating is about getting to know someone and seeing if they\u2019re marriage material. There\u2019s no need to &#8220;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/why-not-take-her-for-a-test-drive\/\">test-drive<\/a>&#8221; sex or push boundaries; if you\u2019ve built a solid connection, intimacy will follow naturally.<\/p>\n<p>Jefferson Bethke once said, \u201cDating with no intent to marry is like going to the grocery store with no money. You either leave unhappy or take something that isn\u2019t yours.\u201d Marshall Segal, author of \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Not-Yet-Married-Pursuit-Singleness\/dp\/143355545X\/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2CG95XAXH8R1W&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.jNTlrVZLaZ1U_7GAksk2pcPzJWNMQ10u9ZLabx2BG9TGjHj071QN20LucGBJIEps.JbbraWsYtMFvoKFPJ3G3xGuwGmUb4fauj9xU918t1DA&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=not+yet+married+marshall+segal&amp;qid=1725984058&amp;sprefix=not+yet+m%2Caps%2C142&amp;sr=8-1\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Not Yet Married<\/a>,\u201d explains this further in his pursuit of clarity over intimacy. \u201cWhile the great prize in marriage is Christ-centered intimacy, the great prize in dating is Christ-centered clarity.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Part of setting boundaries means dating with purpose and intentionality. It means sticking to boundaries even when you feel tempted, and evaluating if this relationship is right for you and the person you\u2019re dating.<\/p>\n<p>While you don\u2019t need to know if the person you\u2019re dating is \u201cthe one\u201d on the first date, it\u2019s important to note that being a Christian who sets boundaries is someone who doesn\u2019t just date to date. We\u2019re not looking to have a \u201cgood time\u201d or \u201ca fling\u201d \u2014 we\u2019re looking for someone to pursue the kingdom of God with forever.<\/p>\n<h4>How setting boundaries glorifies God<\/h4>\n<p>When it comes to setting boundaries before marriage, let me be clear:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>It\u2019s not a sin to kiss before marriage<\/li>\n<li>It\u2019s not a sin to think your partner is attractive or have sexual feelings <em>toward <\/em>them in dating<\/li>\n<li>God created us as sexual beings and those desires are fulfilled within the context of marriage<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>What we do know is that Jesus commands us to flee from anything that tempts us to awaken our sexual desire <em>before<\/em> marriage (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/passage\/?search=Song%20of%20Solomon%208%3A4&amp;version=ESV\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Song of Solomon 8:4<\/a>). It\u2019s a sin to think lustfully about your partner <em>before<\/em> you\u2019re married. And that\u2019s why integrity with ourselves is emphasized (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/passage\/?search=Jeremiah%2017%3A9&amp;version=ESV\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Jeremiah 17:9<\/a>; <a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/passage\/?search=Proverbs%204%3A23&amp;version=ESV\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Proverbs 4:23<\/a>; <a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/passage\/?search=Romans%2013%3A14&amp;version=ESV\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Romans 13:14<\/a>). It\u2019s also why not waiting to set boundaries, being honest and clear, and dating with purpose from the <em>start <\/em>are so valuable.<\/p>\n<p>Sexual activity is natural and healthy within marriage, but it&#8217;s important to keep sex within that commitment. Again, the intent isn\u2019t to be prescriptive or focus only on behavior. God-honoring sexuality begins in the mind and heart, and regardless of what boundaries we set before marriage, Christ\u2019s holiness is the standard we follow. After all, it\u2019s His approval we seek.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em>Copyright 2024 Amber Ginter. All rights reserved.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The question is not, \u201cHow close can I get to the line without crossing it?\u201d but \u201cHow can I honor Jesus in this relationship?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":102,"featured_media":41637,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-41631","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating","category-relationships"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v26.8 (Yoast SEO v26.8) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>How to Set Physical Boundaries When Dating - Boundless<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The question is not, \u201cHow close can I get to the boundary line without crossing it?\u201d but \u201cHow can I honor Jesus in this relationship?\u201d\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/how-to-set-physical-boundaries-when-dating\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Set Physical Boundaries When Dating\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The question is not, \u201cHow close can I get to the boundary line without crossing it?\u201d but \u201cHow can I honor Jesus in this relationship?\u201d\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/how-to-set-physical-boundaries-when-dating\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Boundless\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/boundless.org\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2024-10-14T07:24:34+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2025-03-18T15:19:54+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/10\/how-to-set-physical-boundaries-when-dating-2-66e0794ba0049.webp\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1500\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1000\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/webp\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Bry Shirin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Bry Shirin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"8 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/how-to-set-physical-boundaries-when-dating\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/how-to-set-physical-boundaries-when-dating\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Bry Shirin\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/#\/schema\/person\/3597e4929873be7e78a08b6f829c2938\"},\"headline\":\"How to Set Physical Boundaries When Dating\",\"datePublished\":\"2024-10-14T07:24:34+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2025-03-18T15:19:54+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/how-to-set-physical-boundaries-when-dating\/\"},\"wordCount\":1929,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/how-to-set-physical-boundaries-when-dating\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/10\/how-to-set-physical-boundaries-when-dating-2-66e0794ba0049.webp\",\"articleSection\":[\"Dating\",\"Relationships\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/how-to-set-physical-boundaries-when-dating\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.boundless.org\/relationships\/how-to-set-physical-boundaries-when-dating\/\",\"name\":\"How to Set Physical Boundaries When Dating - 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