I went to a physical therapist a few years ago to help me fight migraines. As she worked on my neck and shoulders, she mentioned God and seemed to be open to spiritual things, so I invited her to visit our church. \u201cOh, I can\u2019t,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019m dedicating Sundays to self-care.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her response surprised and grieved me. I hadn\u2019t realized just how broadly the self-care trend<\/a> had spread. She considered herself a Christian but believed she could meet her deepest needs by looking inward. And she was walking away from God and His people to do it.<\/p>\n In 2012, Tim Keller wrote a short book called <\/i>\u201cThe Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness: The Path to True Christian Joy.\u201d I\u2019ve read it three times. I need to read it every few years because the pull of the self-esteem culture is so tempting to my sinful heart, and Keller\u2019s message is so life-giving. He says the secret to joy isn\u2019t thinking more highly of, or better about, yourself \u2014 but thinking about yourself less.<\/p>\n The women in a recent Wall Street Journal (WSJ) article feel so good about themselves and what they have achieved on their own that they\u2019re not willing to give it up, or dial back on any of it, for the sake of getting married. That\u2019s the conclusion Rachel Wolfe draws in \u201cAmerican Women Are Giving Up on Marriage<\/span><\/a>.\u201d She includes a survey of young women who say they\u2019re happier than married women, and her subjects seem resigned to staying single rather than be married to \u201ca man who holds them back.\u201d<\/p>\n Young women have shifted their focus, Wolfe says, \u201ctoward self-improvement, friendship and the ability to find happiness on their own.\u201d While they may still be open to getting married one day, research shows that women\u2019s interest in getting married is weaker than it used to be and less than that of single men.<\/p>\n What\u2019s driving this shift? Wolfe points to \u201chuge and growing gender gaps\u201d in politics, education, economics and purpose. Women report being more liberal than men, obtaining more college degrees than men, and out-earning men. A 30-year-old woman she interviewed was discouraged by how many men \u201cexpect their future wives to prioritize their families over their jobs.\u201d<\/p>\n There\u2019s plenty of evidence that women are outpacing men in many areas. We\u2019ve witnessed a cultural downgrade of what men aspire to alongside the cultural project of empowering women, with mixed results. It affects women\u2019s ability to trust and respect a man enough to submit to him in marriage. Consequently, women are tempted to pride while men are demoralized and scorned by the very women who wish they\u2019d grow up.<\/p>\n If Wolfe\u2019s report is representative, it\u2019s scary, frustrating and discouraging, especially to Christian women who still hope to get married. It feeds the \u201cguys are lame\u201d narrative while overlooking the fact that women can be shrill, demanding and demeaning.<\/p>\n But it doesn\u2019t tell the whole story.<\/p>\n The women in the WSJ piece chose to date the men they later besmirched. They chose to live with them, pay rent for them, even have children with them. They are touted as brave for breaking up with them. But Wolfe never asked, \u201cWhy did you date him in the first place?\u201d (Nor did she include any interviews with the men.)<\/p>\n These women seem to want the benefits of marriage but aren\u2019t willing to embrace its constraints or even its purpose and design. One woman realized \u201cshe didn\u2019t need a partner to be content\u201d after she was able to buy a house on her own. Another broke up with her boyfriend because he envisioned her staying home with the kids, even though she earned 50 percent more than he did. For many of the women, the deciding factor was financial.<\/p>\n In 2006 I wrote an article about the marriage gap, when many feared there were too many single women and not enough men to go around<\/span><\/a>. Today the fear is that the women are too good for the men who are still single. In a reversal of a long-standing pattern, more men than women say they want to get married and more women than men are leaving the church<\/span><\/a> \u2014 the most likely place to meet a Christian husband.<\/p>\n If articles like Wolfe\u2019s tempt you to stop hoping in<\/i> marriage, that\u2019s not entirely bad. God alone is worthy of our hope<\/span><\/a>. But you can still risk hoping for<\/i> marriage when you\u2019re trusting in Him. He continues to bring men and women together in a one-flesh, till-death union for His glory and our good. Jesus taught the scribes and Pharisees that from the beginning, it was God who joined<\/span><\/a> men and women in marriage. It was His solution to man\u2019s alone-ness<\/span><\/a> and He is the one who gives prudent wives<\/span><\/a> to men who seek one<\/span><\/a>.<\/p>\n To enter this kind of marriage you must become a certain kind of woman: seeking contentment in the Lord; growing in the fruit of the Spirit; being kind, patient, gentle, forbearing \u2014 not perfectly, but consistently walking in a manner pleasing to God. In short, you need to grow in maturity<\/span><\/a>. This should be your focus. The path to fruitful marriage is the path of basic Christian discipleship. And there are things you can do to help it happen.<\/p>\n 1. Think biblically.<\/b><\/b><\/p>\n It\u2019s easy to adopt a warped view of what marriage is when you live on social media. Knowing, loving, and meditating on the Scriptures is the way to guard your heart from worldly wisdom \u2014 the sort of wisdom that says it\u2019s better to stay single and happy than to lay down your expectations to become one in marriage. We need to drink deeply of the Word daily if we\u2019re going to grow. We need to meditate on it, memorize it, and hear it preached weekly as members of a faithful church. This is the way we keep our hearts with diligence.<\/p>\n 2. Observe lasting marriages.<\/b><\/b><\/p>\n Spend time with older, happily married couples to shape your expectations. They won\u2019t only and always be happy. Twenty-seven years of marriage have taught me that like any durable partnership, marriage has its share of trials. That\u2019s normal. The way through the hardships is seeking the good of the other and humbling yourself to consider where you may be wrong, selfish or demanding. The far side of confession and reconciliation is a place of deep contentment and joy.<\/p>\n 3. Be prudent.<\/b><\/b><\/p>\n Prudence<\/i> is an old-fashioned word. It means \u201cacting with care and thought for the future.\u201d In dating, it looks like rejecting instant gratification for long-term gain. Know your temptations and resist them. Be shrewd. The world, the flesh and the devil are conspiring to trip you up in \u201cfriends with benefits\u201d relationships, or situationships<\/i>. Avoid the sort of circumstances that keep you company on a Friday night but lonely long-term. Such things are not the path to a satisfying, biblical marriage.<\/p>\n 4. Work as unto the Lord<\/b>.<\/p>\n The world says your work and income are what define you, what you\u2019ve earned, and what you deserve. God says work is a means for serving others, glorifying Him, and meeting your needs<\/i>. Ask Him to rightly order your thinking about your career, your income, and your priorities for what you do with them.<\/p>\n 5. Take up your cross and follow Christ.<\/b><\/b><\/p>\n Marriage was never intended for self-actualization, but for self-denial. Jesus, who came \u201cnot to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many,\u201d calls us to follow His example in the strength He supplies. He said, \u201cIt is more blessed to give than to receive\u201d (Mark 10:45, Acts 20:35). This is the heart of Christian marriage. Contrary to rom-coms and everything else in the romance genre, marriage is not, as author Gary Thomas reminds us<\/a>, primarily about making you happy, but about making you holy. And holiness comes by way of sanctification<\/span><\/a>, which is both glorious and hard.<\/p>\nA dangerous self-obsession<\/b><\/h4>\n
Misplaced priorities<\/b><\/h4>\n
The road back to marriage <\/b><\/h4>\n