At my house, there\u2019s little debate over which actor has best portrayed legendary detective Sherlock Holmes. Under this roof\u2019s majority rule, there\u2019s a clear winner, and it may not be the first name that popped into your head. But if that name is Jeremy Brett, you\u2019d be correct.<\/p>\n
This English actor, also known for playing Freddy in the 1964 film version of \u201cMy Fair Lady,\u201d reigns supreme over Robert Downey Jr., Henry Cavill, and \u2014 gasp! \u2014 even Benedict Cumberbatch (Cumberbatch did get one Slater vote.)<\/p>\n
Why does Brett, who played Holmes way back in the 1980s, top the list? For the Slater residents who are dedicated readers of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle\u2019s books, Brett captures Holmes most accurately. And, apparently, the Sherlockians in my house like that sort of thing. I don\u2019t blame them.<\/p>\n
You may also be a 221B Baker Street fan, yet you disagree. That\u2019s OK. While we can agree to disagree on who best portrays Scotland Yard\u2019s most valuable consultant, there is one thing we can agree to agree on: Sherlock Holmes is a master of observation. He never misses a clue, no matter how small or subtle. He sees them all, and he responds appropriately.<\/p>\n
How does this relate to us, specifically regarding our romantic relationships? Surprisingly, plenty.<\/p>\n
Every day we receive what relationship experts Dr. John and Julie Gottman call bids<\/em> for connection<\/em> \u2014 from the person we are dating, engaged to, or married to. But do you know what often happens? As Sherlock Holmes says<\/a>, we \u201csee, but [we] do not observe.\u201d In other words, we miss connecting because we fail to notice what the Gottman Institute says<\/a> are requests for \u201cattention, affection, humor, or support.\u201d<\/p>\n But what could<\/em> happen if we, like Holmes, became masters of observation? We\u2019d likely stop missing bids, no matter how small or subtle, and start connecting more.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve been married for 22 years, so you may be surprised to learn that I was late to the Gottmans\u2019 research on bids. It\u2019s only in the last year that I first read about them. But understanding bids has revolutionized my thinking and demanded that I summon my inner consulting detective. If you\u2019re like the twelve-months-ago me and aren\u2019t familiar with the concept of bids, let me unpack what they are.<\/p>\n Simply put, bids are invitations to connect. They can be large or small, nonverbal or verbal. For example, when my husband, Ted, shares with me a stressful work situation that\u2019s keeping him up at night, that\u2019s a larger bid for attention. When he tells a joke or points to a humorously frantic quail family running precariously through our backyard, it\u2019s a smaller bid. When he reaches for my hand as we\u2019re walking side-by-side and hopes I\u2019ll reach back, or he laughs aloud at something he\u2019s read and waits for me to ask about it, those too are bids.<\/p>\n While bids can be direct, they are often more subtle, such as when Ted laughs aloud at something, hoping I\u2019ll ask him about it. Logan Ury from the Gottman Institute explains<\/a>:<\/p>\n People are afraid to be vulnerable and put themselves out there. It\u2019s scary to say, \u201cHey, I want to connect! Pay attention to me!\u201d So instead, we ask a question or tell a story or offer our hand for connection. We hope we\u2019ll receive connection in return, but if not, it\u2019s less scary than pleading, \u201cConnect with me, please!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n This subtlety is precisely why we need to don those metaphorical deerstalker hats and develop keen observation skills. Missing bids weakens the strength of our connection. Plus, when it comes to our significant others, it is \u2014 as Mr. Holmes would say<\/a> \u2014 our \u201cbusiness to know what other people do not know.\u201d<\/p>\n OK, now that we have a primer on bids, what\u2019s the best way to respond to one? There are three ways we can respond to a bid. They are turning toward<\/em>, turning away<\/em>, and turning against<\/em>. Let\u2019s take a brief look at each one.<\/p>\n 1. Turning toward.<\/strong><\/p>\n To turn toward is to acknowledge and engage a bid. When Ted tells me about that sleep-stealing, stressful situation at work, he wants me to listen and tell him, \u201cThat stinks! I\u2019m sorry you\u2019re experiencing it.\u201d When I do, I\u2019m turning toward him. If Ted says, \u201cLook at that quail family,\u201d and I stop, look, and share the humorous moment, I\u2019ve also turned toward him. Or when your significant other asks you to listen to the song they\u2019ve had on repeat, and you do, you\u2019ve turned toward them.<\/p>\n \u00a02. <\/strong>Turning away.<\/strong><\/p>\n When we turn away, we miss or ignore a bid. We might be distracted, busy or tired. That is often the case for me. Perhaps I didn\u2019t recognize the \u201cask\u201d for what it was and my turning away was unintentional. Or it may be that my turning away happened when I chose to prioritize something else over Ted. It happens.<\/p>\n 3. Turning against.<\/strong><\/p>\n If we turn against, we reject a bid with criticism, annoyance, defensiveness or even contempt. Perhaps Ted sighs in frustration over a work challenge and I say with annoyance, \u201cYou\u2019re always sighing. What now?\u201d I\u2019ve rejected his bid. I\u2019ve not only missed an opportunity to connect, but I\u2019ve severed connection, and it will need to be repaired.<\/p>\n You don\u2019t need to be Sherlock Holmes to ascertain the ideal response. As you\u2019ve probably already deduced, we should do our best to always be \u201cturning toward.\u201d<\/p>\n What are practical ways you can turn toward your significant other? They all start with paying attention. Here\u2019s the problem, though: We have many different things bidding for our attention. Because of this, we must actively choose to shut out distractions and focus our attention on the person in front of us. Here are a few suggestions on how to do that.<\/p>\n 1. Put the phone away.<\/strong><\/p>\n Smartphones have a lot of good uses. In fact, you may receive a bid for connection via a text or call when you and your significant other are apart. Greg Smalley, vice president of Marriage and Family Formation at Focus on the Family, says that<\/a> many couples \u201cstay connected throughout the day via romantic texts, playful social media posts and random video chats\u201d and that \u201ccalling and texting may even make couples happier and more secure in their relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n However, when you are together, your phone will likely distract you and cause you to miss bids. Be careful not to practice what Psychology Today<\/a> terms phubbing<\/em> \u2014 or phone snubbing. Phubbing happens when we are distracted by our phones during a conversation. We stop turning toward our significant other, forcing them to compete for our attention.<\/p>\n Smalley explains<\/a> that the smartphone has become a \u201cthird wheel\u201d for many couples. As much as possible, put the phone away when you\u2019re spending time together. Focus on your significant other and pay attention so you don\u2019t miss bids.<\/p>\n 2. Slow down.<\/strong><\/p>\n When we are busy, we\u2019re more likely to miss or even turn away from bids. We might be too distracted to look at a quail family or not have time to hold hands. Slow down<\/a>. If your schedule is so full that you can\u2019t slow down, it\u2019s time to reevaluate your schedule. Perhaps you need to start saying \u201cno\u201d more so you can say \u201cyes\u201d to your significant other.<\/p>\n Not only does slowing down give you more opportunity to pay attention, but Harvard Health Publishing says<\/a>, \u201cIt also can improve your social interactions by teaching you to be more engaged in conversations where you listen more and talk less.\u201d When we are better listeners and less hasty talkers, we start thinking about ourselves less and about our partners more. We become more attuned and attentive to the requests they may be giving us for attention, support and affection.<\/p>\n 3. Make a love map.<\/strong><\/p>\n The concept of a love map<\/em> also comes from Dr. Gottman. A love map is a mental representation of our detailed understanding of our partner. Gottman writes<\/a>, \u201cEmotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other\u2019s world \u2026 They remember the major events in each other\u2019s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse\u2019s world change.\u201d<\/p>\n As we observe our significant other and continue to update our love map of them, we\u2019ll be quicker to recognize bids when they come. For example, Ted has learned that when I\u2019m verbally working through a problem, I usually want him to listen and not fix. He knows to turn toward me by giving me his attention, ear and empathy.<\/p>\n \u201cNever trust to general impressions, my boy,\u201d Sherlock Holmes says<\/a> to his friend and colleague, John Watson. He encourages John to instead \u201cconcentrate yourself upon details.\u201d When we move past the general and focus on the details, we\u2019ll stop missing bids, no matter how small or subtle, and we\u2019ll start connecting with our significant other more. Perhaps we\u2019ll even become masters of observation worthy of 221B Baker Street.<\/a><\/p>\n Copyright 2025 Ashleigh Slater. All rights reserved.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Are you missing bids for connection? Take a cue from Sherlock Holmes and sharpen your observation skills.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":102,"featured_media":43408,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,7,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-43407","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating","category-marriage-prep","category-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nLooking for signs<\/h4>\n
A study in turning<\/h4>\n
The game of attention is afoot<\/h4>\n
Elementary, my dear reader<\/h4>\n