Bilbo Baggins understood the importance of arriving for dinner on time. Ted, my new husband, did not.<\/p>\n
He was late \u2014 again.<\/p>\n
Tolkienites may speculate as to whether Ted was off on an adventure. After all, according to pre-Lonely Mountain Bilbo, adventures are what \u201cmake you late for dinner.\u201d But the only adventure Ted could claim during the workweek was his there-and-back-again drive to the office.<\/p>\n
To say I was frustrated, upset, and increasingly irritated at Ted for his tardiness is to put it mildly.<\/p>\n
But it turns out our suppertime misfortunes were partly my fault.<\/p>\n
Ted and I had never talked about what \u201cideal\u201d dinner times would be in our home. In our premarital mentoring sessions, we discussed Ted\u2019s general punctuality issues but had skipped talk of mealtime schedules. And neither of us initiated the conversation once we were married. Instead, I picked a supper time based on my upbringing, mentioned it in passing, and then assumed we were on the same page.<\/p>\n
We all know what they say about assuming: Yep, it leaves a watchful wife sitting alone next to a plate of cold lasagna.<\/p>\n
I wish I could say we solved our dinner \u201ctime\u201d issue during our first year of marriage. We didn\u2019t. But we did start working toward a solution<\/a>.<\/p>\n Every faithful Boundless reader knows the importance of intentionality in dating. Or perhaps you\u2019re engaged and diligently completing the pre-marriage work. Why? Because like Ted and I, you understand the value of preparation.<\/p>\n Intentionality in marriage is no less important, and few newlywed couples will argue that a couple\u2019s need for purposeful growth ends at the altar. But here\u2019s the thing: Losing momentum often happens by accident. It\u2019s not part of the plan. It\u2019s not intentional.<\/p>\n But that\u2019s the problem: Intention<\/em> goes missing.<\/p>\n Sometimes there\u2019s too much reliance on that pre-marriage prep. As a result, couples take a break from putting in purposeful relational work. And while previous effort provides a strong foundation and the helpful tools to usher couples into the newness of marriage, the beginning of marriage is no time to rest on one\u2019s laurels.<\/p>\n So what\u2019s the solution?<\/p>\n One approach is to devise a plan before saying \u201cI do\u201d for how you will continue to grow together after you\u2019ve tied the knot. The first step in this plan is to ask yourselves a relatively simple question:<\/p>\n How do we want our home to feel?<\/em><\/p>\n I recently came across a social media reel from Dr. John Delony titled \u201cThe Conversation That Saved My Marriage.<\/a>\u201d In it, he shares how his wife asked him, \u201cJohn, how do you want this home to feel when you walk in the door?\u201d<\/p>\n The way your home feels is directly impacted by the kind of marriage you have. For example, I want my home to feel \u201csafe, warm, lighthearted, welcoming, and unwaveringly loving.\u201d At the heart of this response is a desire for deep connection, meaningful communication, and healthy accountability and repair.<\/p>\n The adjectives you pick may be different from mine, but I\u2019d guess your core desires are similar. If so, let\u2019s look at creative ways to cultivate connection, communication and accountability\/repair as newlyweds.<\/p>\n 1. Establish shared rituals of connection.<\/strong><\/p>\n Rhythms differ from habits. Habits are behaviors we practice regularly without conscious effort \u2014 like brushing your teeth or biting your nails. Rhythms, on the other hand, are purposeful choices that add structure to your day.<\/p>\n In the context of relationships, Dr. John Gottman calls rhythms rituals of emotional connection.<\/em> He says<\/a> these rituals provide<\/p>\n \u201cstructure to your life to ensure that bids for connection<\/a> happen on a regular basis . . . [it\u2019s] the one place you can count on having a significant exchange with someone you care about.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n One example of a rhythm to try is eating together<\/em>. The Gospel writers record at least eight meals Jesus shared with friends, followers, and even skeptics (Matthew 9:10\u201313<\/a>; Luke 7:36<\/a>; John 12:1\u20132<\/a>; Luke 19:1\u201310<\/a>; Luke 24:28\u201332<\/a>; Luke 24:40\u201343<\/a>; John 21:9\u201314<\/a>). Shared meals matter.<\/p>\nIntentionality beyond the altar<\/h4>\n
Every home has a \u201cfeel\u201d<\/h4>\n